Secretary Of Labor Thomas Perez Campaigning To Make SOLOTUS Happen

WASHINGTON, DC—Reports surfaced this morning that Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez has been running a rigorous campaign to make the abbreviation SOLOTUS happen. “Saying Secretary of Labor of the United States is way too long, so feel free to just call me SOLOTUS,” said Mr. Perez, who pointed out that we already have POTUS for […]

BREAKING: Kid Thinks He’s Helping

ROANOKE, VA—Sources confirmed early this afternoon that local 5-year-old Eric Waters is under the impression that he is helping his mother bake cookies. “I want to stir it!” exclaimed Eric, who proceeded to barely mix the ingredients together in a large mixing bowl due to his lack of necessary strength and coordination, thereby slowing up […]

12 Biggest Oscar Snubs

This year’s Academy Award nominations were released this morning. As is the case every year, the Academy left out several key performances and films. The Lonely Petunia has compiled a list of the 12 biggest snubs for the 87th Academy Awards. 1.  David Oyelowo Did not receive a Best Actor nomination for his role in […]

Pentagon To Put “!” At End Of All On-Line Passwords

WASHINGTON, DC—In order to combat the recent slew of cyberattacks, including the hack of U.S. Central Command’s Twitter account, officials at the Pentagon instituted a new policy to put an exclamation point at the end of all on-line passwords. “Including the exclamation point for all passwords associated with the Department of Defense will create another […]

Confused Cowboys Fan Unable To Blame Loss On Tony Romo

DALLAS, TX—Citing a general lack of clarity after witnessing an almost perfect performance from his team’s quarterback, local Cowboys fan Mike Graves has been left dumbfounded by his inability to blame this weekend’s playoff loss on Tony Romo. “Most of my friends are blaming the referees for calling Dez Bryant’s fourth quarter catch an incomplete […]

Last Satirical Newspaper Closes Doors One Year After Charlie Hebdo Paris Attacks

NEW YORK, NY—With more than a year gone by after the tragic killings at the Charlie Hebdo headquarters in Paris, the last and final satirical newspaper finally closed its doors. “There’s simply no place for satirical news anymore. Those attacks changed everything and showed us the truth. They truly were the downfall of satire forever,” […]

“The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2” To Be Split Into Four Installments

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Production executives at Lionsgate Films announced today that the sequel to The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 will be split into four installments. “We believe that breaking up Mockingjay – Part 2 into four parts will really allow the amazing story by Suzanne Collins to be fully brought to life on the big […]

Report: Nation’s Gyms Brace For Pathetic New Year Rush

WASHINGTON, DC—A new report from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed that gyms across the country are bracing for the pathetic New Year rush. “We’ve hired some more part-time staff and added several machines to get ready for the embarrassing deluge of people who all of a sudden want to exercise,” said Eric […]

NYE Party Tickets Non-Refundable, Goddamnit

KEARNY, NY—Sources confirmed this morning that area man Kenny Wicke’s NYE party tickets bought back in October are non-refundable, goddamnit. “I spent $150 for entry to this party at some bar with a full drink package like three months ago. I really don’t feel like going, but looking at the confirmation e-mail yesterday, I realized […]

Reasoned, Compassionate Conversation Moved To Kids Table

RIPLEY, OH—Due to high tensions amongst the adult family members stemming from recent current events, sources confirmed that any and all reasoned and compassionate conversations during the Robinson family Christmas dinner were moved to the kids table. “I guess I see what you’re saying, but I still liked The Lego Movie better than Big Hero […]