BREAKING: Cranberries Left

WATERLOO, IA—Sources confirmed late this afternoon that there is still plenty of cranberry sauce left on the table at the Morris family Thanksgiving dinner. “Hey, does anyone want any cranberry sauce?” Sheryl Morris was overheard saying to the rest of her family, adding, “Well, there’s a lot left if anyone is interested.” According to reports, […]

Glad That’s Over

These past few months have been pretty crazy. Ever since the altercation between Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown on August 9th, during which time Mr. Wilson shot and killed Mr. Brown, one could say that the town of Ferguson has been a little nuts, what with the riots, protests, and constant discussion […]

Amazing Personality Swiped Left

CHARLOTTE, NC—Inside sources confirmed that at 11:27 last night local man Kevin Franklin, using the popular dating app Tinder, swiped Elyse, a 25 year old woman with an amazing personality, to the left. Reportedly, Kevin considered Elyse’s profile for approximately 0.8 seconds before using the app to stamp a giant red “NOPE” across her face, […]

No-Smoking Indicator Reminds Passengers Plane Really Old

ATLANTA, GA—Reports surfaced this morning that the “No-Smoking” indicator on Delta flight 2435 with service from Atlanta to Salt Lake City reminded passengers that the plane is really old. “I looked up at the console and saw the brightly lit No-Smoking sign, which let me know that this aircraft was built in a different era,” […]

Internet User Blasts Science Fiction Movie For Being Fictitious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—A local internet user posted a blog post this morning blasting Interstellar, a science fiction movie based in the future, for being fictitious. “I’m sorry, but there were just so many things scientifically wrong with this movie that I just couldn’t focus,” read the post by StarSCR3AM regarding the fictional movie written and directed […]

Bears Outscore Packers 14-13 In Second Half

GREEN BAY, WI—In a tight Sunday night battle between the NFC North rivals, the Chicago Bears ultimately outscored the Green Bay Packers 14-13 during the second half. “I’m very proud of what this team was able to accomplish tonight,” said head coach Marc Trestman in a post-game interview, heralding the impressive play from the Bears […]

Country Fixed

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the Republican sweep of the midterm elections yesterday, leaders across the nation have declared that the country is now fixed. “Everything is good now,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, who is set to become the Senate Majority Leader now that Congress and the rest of the United States government are all better. Voters elected […]

Jay Cutler Somehow Throws Three Interceptions During Bye Week

CHICAGO, IL—Despite being scheduled for a bye week, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler was still able to somehow throw three interceptions on Sunday. “Today wasn’t my best performance, but I’m going to work on some things and hopefully come back next week better than ever,” said Cutler who started off the day by throwing an […]

Gillette Fusion ProGlide With FlexBall Technology Found In Snickers

HAMILTON, OH—According to police, someone in the neighborhood put a Gillette Fusion ProGlide with FlexBall Technology inside a Snickers and gave it to seven-year-old Charlie Porson. “We have several investigators on the case and will keep you posted in our search for the perpetrator,” said Chief of Police James Collins, who added that they have […]

Area Man Forgets Lifelong Dreams Every Morning

WAUSAU, WI—Area man Brad Hanon shared with reporters today that every single time he wakes up in the morning he completely forgets his lifelong dreams. “Sometimes I try really hard to remember my lifelong aspirations, but sure enough, every morning, I just can’t remember what they were,” said Mr. Hanon, noting that he doesn’t even […]