“The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2” To Be Split Into Four Installments

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Production executives at Lionsgate Films announced today that the sequel to The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 will be split into four installments. “We believe that breaking up Mockingjay – Part 2 into four parts will really allow the amazing story by Suzanne Collins to be fully brought to life on the big […]

Report: Nation’s Gyms Brace For Pathetic New Year Rush

WASHINGTON, DC—A new report from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed that gyms across the country are bracing for the pathetic New Year rush. “We’ve hired some more part-time staff and added several machines to get ready for the embarrassing deluge of people who all of a sudden want to exercise,” said Eric […]

NYE Party Tickets Non-Refundable, Goddamnit

KEARNY, NY—Sources confirmed this morning that area man Kenny Wicke’s NYE party tickets bought back in October are non-refundable, goddamnit. “I spent $150 for entry to this party at some bar with a full drink package like three months ago. I really don’t feel like going, but looking at the confirmation e-mail yesterday, I realized […]

Reasoned, Compassionate Conversation Moved To Kids Table

RIPLEY, OH—Due to high tensions amongst the adult family members stemming from recent current events, sources confirmed that any and all reasoned and compassionate conversations during the Robinson family Christmas dinner were moved to the kids table. “I guess I see what you’re saying, but I still liked The Lego Movie better than Big Hero […]

Woman Getting To Age Where Facebook Feed Full Of Funeral Announcements

AKRON, OH—According to an interview, area woman Sheryl Winters is getting to that age where her Facebook feed is full of funeral announcements. “Every single time I open my Facebook, I swear to God there’s another notice for a funeral or memorial service plastered all over my feed,” said Ms. Winters to reporters yesterday. Ms. […]

Ridley Scott: “See ‘Exodus’ In 3D The Way God Intended”

LOS ANGELES, CA—Sitting down with reporters yesterday, Ridley Scott, director of the new film Exodus: God and Kings, encouraged audiences to see the movie in 3D the way God intended. “This is a film of truly biblical proportions, and the only way to see it, as decreed by the Almighty Himself, is in eye-popping three […]

Area Man Unsure If He’s Currently Disappointing 7 Or 8 People

BOSTON, MA—While unsure exactly how many people he is currently letting down, area man Kevin Webber has successfully narrowed the field down to 7 or 8 disappointed candidates. “After my performance at yesterday’s meeting with a major prospect, I know for certain that my boss is not happy with me. So, that’s one,” said Mr. […]

OSU Earns Playoff Spot To Prove SEC Better Than Big Ten

IRVING, TX—The College Football Playoff committee voted yesterday and granted Ohio State the fourth playoff spot against top seed Alabama, granting the Buckeyes the opportunity to prove that the SEC is superior to the Big Ten. “We analyzed each team’s body of work this season and are very confident that OSU will settle any argument […]

Police Body Cameras To Provide Crucial Evidence Grand Juries Can Ignore

NEW YORK, NY—Following the grand jury’s decision not to indict Officer Daniel Pantaleo in the killing of Eric Garner, which was captured entirely on camera, the U.S. justice department has issued a decree that all police officers should be equipped with body cameras to capture crucial video evidence that can be totally ignored. “We believe […]

Co-Worker Set To Mention Morning Workout 12 Times Today

TAMPA, FL—Noting that he will do everything he can to share with the entire office that he worked out this morning, sources confirmed that co-worker Chris Jenson will mention his morning workout 12 times throughout the day. “Man, I had a great work out this morning,” will be Mr. Jenson’s first and most literal declaration […]