Taco Bell Announces Pay With Hatin’ Campaign

IRVINE, CA—In response to McDonald’s new “Pay With Lovin’” marketing campaign, in which select customers will be given a chance to pay for their meal with a random act of love, Taco Bell announced its own “Pay With Hatin’” sales ploy. “We know that our customers hate themselves deep down inside, so what better way […]

Nationwide Goes With Dead Kid Idea

COLUMBUS, OH—After weighing several options for its high profile Super Bowl ad, Nationwide Insurance ultimately decided to go with the dead kid idea. “We had a lot of great ideas during the brainstorming session, including uplifting stories about how Nationwide helps families every day across the country or how we have been a trusted insurance […]

Pete Carroll Admits Seahawks Should Have Kicked Field Goal

GLENDALE, AZ—Speaking with reporters following the Seattle Seahawks’ 28-24 loss to the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, head coach Pete Carroll admitted that they probably should not have run a pass play and instead kicked a field goal in the final play of the game. “Looking back on that interception, I realize that […]

Report: Feet Under Bathroom Stall Definitely Mike’s

IRVINE, CA—A new report issued this morning stated that in the men’s restroom at Skyworks Solutions the feet underneath the bathroom stall are definitely Mike’s. “At approximately 10:04 AM this morning, the pair of feet visible below the stall dividers assuredly belong to Michael Fritz from accounting,” read the report, which arrived at the conclusion […]

Secretary Of Labor Thomas Perez Campaigning To Make SOLOTUS Happen

WASHINGTON, DC—Reports surfaced this morning that Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez has been running a rigorous campaign to make the abbreviation SOLOTUS happen. “Saying Secretary of Labor of the United States is way too long, so feel free to just call me SOLOTUS,” said Mr. Perez, who pointed out that we already have POTUS for […]

BREAKING: Kid Thinks He’s Helping

ROANOKE, VA—Sources confirmed early this afternoon that local 5-year-old Eric Waters is under the impression that he is helping his mother bake cookies. “I want to stir it!” exclaimed Eric, who proceeded to barely mix the ingredients together in a large mixing bowl due to his lack of necessary strength and coordination, thereby slowing up […]

12 Biggest Oscar Snubs

This year’s Academy Award nominations were released this morning. As is the case every year, the Academy left out several key performances and films. The Lonely Petunia has compiled a list of the 12 biggest snubs for the 87th Academy Awards. 1.  David Oyelowo Did not receive a Best Actor nomination for his role in […]

Pentagon To Put “!” At End Of All On-Line Passwords

WASHINGTON, DC—In order to combat the recent slew of cyberattacks, including the hack of U.S. Central Command’s Twitter account, officials at the Pentagon instituted a new policy to put an exclamation point at the end of all on-line passwords. “Including the exclamation point for all passwords associated with the Department of Defense will create another […]

Confused Cowboys Fan Unable To Blame Loss On Tony Romo

DALLAS, TX—Citing a general lack of clarity after witnessing an almost perfect performance from his team’s quarterback, local Cowboys fan Mike Graves has been left dumbfounded by his inability to blame this weekend’s playoff loss on Tony Romo. “Most of my friends are blaming the referees for calling Dez Bryant’s fourth quarter catch an incomplete […]

Last Satirical Newspaper Closes Doors One Year After Charlie Hebdo Paris Attacks

NEW YORK, NY—With more than a year gone by after the tragic killings at the Charlie Hebdo headquarters in Paris, the last and final satirical newspaper finally closed its doors. “There’s simply no place for satirical news anymore. Those attacks changed everything and showed us the truth. They truly were the downfall of satire forever,” […]