Local Teen Waitlisted At ISIS

NEW YORK, NY—Despite submitting a solid application and having several letters of recommendation, local teen Jeremy Swanson was put on the ISIS waitlist yesterday, sources confirmed. “I thought my essay titled ‘Death to America’ was pretty strong, but I think my marksman and bomb making scores might have hurt me,” said Jeremy, a 17-year-old who […]

I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President

This great country of ours is in need of serious help. The national debt has skyrocketed after years and years of running major deficits. Businesses are being hampered by an overwhelming number of new regulations, not to mention the major burden that health care reform has imposed on our nation’s best companies. On the home […]

Terrified Baby Not Even Aware He’s 36,000 Feet Above Ground

CHARLOTTE, NC—A terrified baby was crying violently throughout Delta flight 1591 from Charlotte to Chicago this morning without even being aware that he was flying 36,000 feet above the ground and could conceivably plummet to this death. “He’s not typically like this,” said the infant’s mother, noting that he is usually quite calm when suspended […]

Area Couple Renews Divorce Vows

ROCHESTER, MN—After 25 years of being happily separated, area couple Sheryl Nixon and Gerry Dobbs decided to renew their divorce vows this weekend. “Despite being apart for a quarter century, we’ve never hated each other more, and we wanted to celebrate that by renewing our divorce proceedings,” said Sheryl to reporters. Sources confirmed that the […]

College Athlete Takes Exam All By His Itty Bitty Self

BATON ROUGE, LA—Reportedly sitting down to the exam without the assistance of any academic advisers or university provided tutors, LSU track star Damien Wilmore took the Economics 103 midterm all by his itty bitty self. “It was all me. I did it all by myself!” said the adorable 6’ 6” freshman, who filled in every […]

Study: Famous Actors Just Tried Harder

HOLLYWOOD, CA—With the 87th Academy Awards just days away, the Brookings Institute released a new report proving that famous actors and actresses have achieved their success simply because they tried harder than everyone else. “We studied the behavior of hundreds of the most famous actors on the planet, including Oscar, Emmy, and Tony award winners, […]

Already Underpaid Teacher Forced To Buy Her Own School Children

TOPEKA, KS—Despite the fact that her salary barely supports her personal living expenses, local third grade teacher Mary Reynolds also has to purchase her own school children, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I make about $35,000 per year, which just about covers my rent and credit card bills, so it’s really hard when I also have to […]

Man Sitting Alone At Fifty Shades Of Grey Hopefully Waiting For Someone

BALTIMORE, MD—Noting that the middle aged man was sitting by himself in the slowly filling movie theater for Fifty Shades Of Grey, sources confirmed hopes that someone was going to join him. “I really pray he’s not here by himself and that his girlfriend or wife is just in the bathroom,” confirmed one eyewitness sitting […]

Area Man Loses Both Rental Car Keys Because They’re Fucking Attached

ATLANTA, GA—During a recent business trip, area man Kevin Simmons lost both sets of keys to this rental car because the keys were fucking attached to each other. “They gave me two sets of keys to my car, but for some goddamned reason, there was a metal ring permanently joining them together. So, when I […]

Busy Boston Fan Will Just Catch Next Championship Rally

BOSTON, MA—Taking into account his already packed schedule for today and the rest of the week, local Boston sports fan Paul McHale decided to forgo the Patriots Super Bowl parade and assumes he’ll just catch the next championship rally. “I’ve got a pretty important lunch with a prospective client, and I have to finish up […]