Where the World Gets Its News
WASHINGTON, DC—A new report from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed that gyms across the country are bracing for the pathetic New Year rush. “We’ve hired some more part-time staff and added several machines to get ready for the embarrassing deluge of people who all of a sudden want to exercise,” said Eric […]
KEARNY, NY—Sources confirmed this morning that area man Kenny Wicke’s NYE party tickets bought back in October are non-refundable, goddamnit. “I spent $150 for entry to this party at some bar with a full drink package like three months ago. I really don’t feel like going, but looking at the confirmation e-mail yesterday, I realized […]
WASHINGTON, DC – Unable to come to a consensus on the country’s New Year’s resolutions before the final session of 2013, members of the Senate and House of Representatives agreed to delay the decision on the annual improvement measures to March 2014. “At this juncture, the Democrats refused to reach across the aisle, putting us […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President