Where the World Gets Its News
DALLAS, TX—Citing a general lack of clarity after witnessing an almost perfect performance from his team’s quarterback, local Cowboys fan Mike Graves has been left dumbfounded by his inability to blame this weekend’s playoff loss on Tony Romo. “Most of my friends are blaming the referees for calling Dez Bryant’s fourth quarter catch an incomplete […]
GREEN BAY, WI—In a tight Sunday night battle between the NFC North rivals, the Chicago Bears ultimately outscored the Green Bay Packers 14-13 during the second half. “I’m very proud of what this team was able to accomplish tonight,” said head coach Marc Trestman in a post-game interview, heralding the impressive play from the Bears […]
GALVESTON, TX—Missouri defensive end Michael Sam told reporters on Sunday that he is gay, and he hopes to become the first openly gay NFL player to suffer a concussion. “I am an openly gay, proud man,” proclaimed Sam, “and I am looking to enter the 2014 NFL Draft so I can someday be the first […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President