Misinformed CMO Wants Ad To Go Bacterial

FRESNO, CA—A terribly misguided Chief Marketing Officer at local startup Fizzy Pop explained to his team this morning that he wants their new ad campaign to go bacterial. “I want this thing spreading like a quickly growing bacterium,” said CMO Charles Reist during the morning board meeting, explaining that he’d like to see views of […]

Billy Zane Realizes Titanic Did More For Leonardo DiCaprio’s Career Than His Own

CHICAGO, IL—After reading several negative reviews about his performance as Captain Georg von Trapp in The Sound of Music at the Lyric Opera of Chicago, Billy Zane came to the sudden realization this weekend that perhaps Titanic did more for Leonardo DiCaprio’s career than his own. “It finally hit me that maybe that movie launched […]

Report: Fucking Snow?!

CHICAGO, IL—A new report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration looked into the weather in the Chicagoland area and confirmed fucking snow?! “For fuck’s sake, it’s fucking snowing outside on fucking May 16th,” stated the report. The study was based on several sources looking out the window and sure as fuck seeing snow falling […]

LP Investigates: Changes To The SAT

The College Board, the organization that runs the SAT, announced yesterday that it is changing the format of the college-entrance exam. The organization is removing testing obscure vocabulary words, mandatory essays, and the 2400 point grading scale launched in 2005. Investigators at The Lonely Petunia were able to get an inside look at the changes […]

Gluten Free Diet Helps Area Man Lose 15 Friends

TACOMA, WA—After starting a gluten free diet several weeks ago, area man Aden Landau has been able to successfully shed 15 friends. “It was my New Year’s resolution to eliminate gluten from my diet after reading about its impact on the immune system, and since that time, I’ve watched the friends just fall off,” said […]

‘Son Of God’ To Introduce Jesus To Children Born After ‘The Passion Of The Christ’

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Released to theaters nationwide today, the new film Son of God will introduce Jesus Christ to children born after the 2004 movie The Passion of the Christ. “We are very excited to tell the story of Jesus Christ, especially to those kids born after Mel Gibson’s Passion who have never heard of Jesus,” announced […]

Area Man Does Taxes Early This Year For 15 Minutes

ATHENS, GA—In order to prevent a last minute scramble to complete his taxes, area man Jason Dewitt started his taxes early this year for 15 minutes. “I learned my lesson the hard way last year when I pushed off doing my taxes until the very last minute,” said Mr. Dewitt, who gathered all of his […]

Mom Reminds Single Daughter She Was Already Divorced With Shared Custody At Her Age

BEDFORD, IN—With only a few weeks to go before her 30th birthday, Kelly Weber’s mom reminded her that she was already divorced with shared custody at Kelly’s age. “I know you kids are getting married later and later nowadays, but I’m just worried that you’re going to miss out on the opportunity to go through […]

Study: Date Was Going Well

LOVELAND, CO—A new study by the Pew Research center shows that last night’s first date between Brad Nealon and Kelly Garman was going well. “Based on our findings, we came to the conclusion that the couple’s initial meeting at Biaggi’s was satisfactory at first,” stated head researcher Dr. Aaron Cramer, adding that all leading indicators […]

Michael Sam Looking To Be First Gay NFL Concussion Victim

GALVESTON, TX—Missouri defensive end Michael Sam told reporters on Sunday that he is gay, and he hopes to become the first openly gay NFL player to suffer a concussion. “I am an openly gay, proud man,” proclaimed Sam, “and I am looking to enter the 2014 NFL Draft so I can someday be the first […]