Brazil Announces Plans To Play Defense Against Netherlands

BRAZIL—After the humiliating 7-1 defeat at the hand of the Germans, the Brazilian soccer team announced plans to play defense against the Netherlands. “We watched the game tape and have decided to play defense against the Oranje,” said Brazilian coach Luiz Felipe Scolari, who added that his goalie will also attempt to block shots from […]

Isreal, Hamas Remove 4,738th Pair Of Gloves

JERUSALEM, ISREAL—Following the tragic kidnapping and killing of three Isreali teens and one Palestinian teen, leaders of Isreal and Hamas have vowed that they are now taking off their 4,738th pair of proverbial gloves. “We view these actions to be an act of war, and we will stop at nothing to defend ourselves,” said Isreali […]

E-Mail Disclaimer Denotes Confidential Nature Of Link To Masturbating Monkey Video

ATLANTA, GA—A disclaimer at the bottom of an e-mail between co-workers Brad Murphy and Eric Cooper noted the confidential nature of a link to a video of a masturbating monkey. “The information transmitted by the forgoing message is intended only for the addressee and may contain confidential and/or privileged material,” read the proviso at the […]

Study: You’re Still Nobody When Somebody Loves You

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released today from the Brookings Institute confirmed that you are still nobody even when somebody loves you. “Contrary to popular belief, receiving the love of another human being does not deny that fact that you are a nobody and alone in the universe,” said head researcher Dr. Alan Reynolds, who added that […]

Damn, Woman Really Pregnant

PORTLAND, OR—Upon seeing her walk out of Starbucks and towards her car, several eyewitnesses reported that hot damn, that woman was really pregnant. “She waddled out with her iced coffee and I couldn’t help but think that holy smokes that woman was as knocked up as I’ve ever seen,” said Jerry Howard, who saw the […]

Derrick Rose Gives Carmelo Anthony Tour Of Chicago Hospitals

CHICAGO, IL—Wanting to give the New York Knicks free agent an inside look into his own city, Chicago Bull Derrick Rose gave Carmelo Anthony a tour yesterday of Chicago’s finest hospitals. “First, you have to see Northwestern Memorial Hospital,” said Rose on the guided tour, who reportedly pointed out Northwestern’s superior patient satisfaction rates and […]

Area Man Strips Out Of Business Casual In Record 3.8 Seconds

MILWAUKEE, WI—Returning home from work, area man Adam Harper set a new world record by stripping out of his business casual attire in a remarkable 3.8 seconds. “What can I say? Things really clicked tonight, and I was able to get out of those clothes faster than I ever have before,” said a proud Mr. […]

BREAKING: That Girl You Like Just Posted Some Bikini Pics

FORT WAYNE, IN—Several sources have confirmed that this morning at approximately 9:15AM, that girl you like posted some bikini pics on Facebook. “Finally putting these pictures up from spring break 2014!” posted Katie Johansen, that girl you’ve had a crush on for quite some time. Based solely on the album preview on the news feed, […]

Rangers Force Kings To Game 5 Stanley Cup Win

NEW YORK, NY—Winning game four of the Stanley Cup finals by a score of 2-1 last night at Madison Square Garden, the New York Rangers have forced the Los Angeles Kings to a game five Stanley Cup win. “It was a very tough game but we came out on top,” said Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault, […]

Everyone On CTA Commute Simultaneously Listens To Katy Perry

CHICAGO, IL—Reports confirmed that at approximately 7:42AM this morning, every single person riding the CTA was simultaneously and independently listening to Roar by Katy Perry. “I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath,” sung Katy Perry into the headphones of each commuter riding a bus or el train at exactly the same time. […]