Teenage Girl Literally Dies

MINNETONKA, MN—In a tragic turn of events during a Labor Day outing yesterday, a teenage girl literally died. “We appreciate all the love and support we have received at this difficult time,” said Michael Pitman who was told that daughter Kelly Pitman actually died from drowning in Lake Minnetonka after falling off a friend’s pontoon boat. […]

College Football Opening Marks Proud Day For Nation’s Successful Fathers

AUSTIN, TX—With thousands of college football players suiting up this weekend to kick off the 2014 season, Saturday will mark a proud day for the nation’s successful fathers. “I can’t wait to see my son to play in his first college game,” said Gerald Tatum of University of Texas tight end and son Frank Tatum, one […]

Study: Inspecting Club After Swing Improves Golf Score By 12 Strokes

CHARLESTON, SC—A recent study sanctioned by the Professional Golfers’ Association demonstrates that looking at the face of a golf club immediately following a swing can improve a player’s score by an average of 12 strokes. “We watched thousands of players’ games and came to the conclusion that examining one’s golf club, particularly after a nasty […]

Unsocial, Somber Charity Campaign Raises $0

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising turn of events, the recent marketing campaign by the American Heart Association, which forwent social media and focused on the somber seriousness of heart disease in order to raise money for research, has reportedly raised $0 to date. “Unfortunately our strategy of leveraging the network of the USPS by mailing out […]

Marvel Introduces New Supervillain ‘Unarmed Black Teenager’

NEW YORK, NY—Executives at Marvel Comics announced today that in the upcoming issue of its Avengers series, fans will be introduced to a new supervillain called the Unarmed Black Teenager. “We are very excited to release our most diabolical villain yet,” said Axel Alonso, the publisher’s Editor-in-Chief, adding that the team of Ironman, Thor, Captain America, […]

Dog Sees You Wash Hands After Every Time You Pet Him

FRANKLIN, IN—On your most recent trip home, sources confirmed that Scout, the family dog, definitely saw you washing your hands after every time you pet him. “I was so excited to see you since I hadn’t seen you since Christmas,” Scout told reporters following the incident. “But immediately after petting me, I totally saw you […]

Comcast Launches Refer-An-Enemy Campaign

PHILADELPHIA, PA—In an effort to leverage social media and increase its customer base, Comcast launched their “Refer-An-Enemy” program, which will incentivize existing customers to refer their most hated adversaries to the XFININITY network. “We want to reward our most loyal customers. This new program gives them the opportunity to share our cable, internet, and telephone […]

Obama Promises Iraq Involvement To Be Super Duper Quick

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the announcement that U.S. jet fighters have hit Islamic State artillery positions in northern Iraq on Friday, President Obama held a press conference to promise the American people that the country’s military involvement in Iraq is going to be like super, duper quick. “As of this morning, F-18’s have dropped laser guided bombs […]

Man Asks Woman To Spend Rest Of Their Miserable Lives Together

MARION, OH—While sitting down to a romantic picnic in Harding Park, area man Chris Parker asked area woman Michelle Sandberg to spend the rest of their pathetic, miserable lives together. “I love you so much. Will you marry me?” said Mr. Parker on one knee, effectively proposing that the two of them devote the remainder […]

Diehard Heat Fans Going To Miss LeBran

MIAMI, FL—Following his announcement that he will be heading back to Cleveland to play with his hometown team Cavaliers, several Miami Heat fans expressed disappointment in losing LeBran James. “I’m going to be honest, I’m really going to miss LeBran,” said diehard Heat fan Kevin Miller, who added that the team won’t be the same […]