BREAKING: Cranberries Left

WATERLOO, IA—Sources confirmed late this afternoon that there is still plenty of cranberry sauce left on the table at the Morris family Thanksgiving dinner. “Hey, does anyone want any cranberry sauce?” Sheryl Morris was overheard saying to the rest of her family, adding, “Well, there’s a lot left if anyone is interested.” According to reports, […]

Amazing Personality Swiped Left

CHARLOTTE, NC—Inside sources confirmed that at 11:27 last night local man Kevin Franklin, using the popular dating app Tinder, swiped Elyse, a 25 year old woman with an amazing personality, to the left. Reportedly, Kevin considered Elyse’s profile for approximately 0.8 seconds before using the app to stamp a giant red “NOPE” across her face, […]

Area Man Forgets Lifelong Dreams Every Morning

WAUSAU, WI—Area man Brad Hanon shared with reporters today that every single time he wakes up in the morning he completely forgets his lifelong dreams. “Sometimes I try really hard to remember my lifelong aspirations, but sure enough, every morning, I just can’t remember what they were,” said Mr. Hanon, noting that he doesn’t even […]

CDC To Quarantine, Murder Healthcare Workers From West Africa

ATLANTA, GA—In an effort to battle the spread of Ebola into the United States, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced a new policy to quarantine and then murder all healthcare workers coming from West Africa. “To date, our attempts to contain Ebola have not been successful. As such, we are imposing a new […]

Area Man Puts Money Away To Lose In Next Crisis

ROCHESTER, NY—In an attempt to be fiscally responsible, area man Kevin Harrigan put most of his recent quarterly bonus away to lose in the next financial crisis. “My parents taught me when I was young to always save money for the future,” said Mr. Harrigan, who reportedly invested approximately $5,000 into various mutual funds, stocks, […]

Dallas Resident Didn’t Even Want To Have Lunch With Ebola Patient

DALLAS, TX—Following the news that Thomas Eric Duncan was diagnosed with the Ebola virus, area man Kevin Jameson expressed severe regret as he didn’t even want to have lunch with Mr. Duncan in the first place. “He asked me to lunch as we hadn’t seen each other in a while because of his trip to […]

Nation’s Office Workers Take 6-Minute Vacation To Bathroom

WASHINGTON, DC—A Gallup poll showed that the nation’s office workers took a 6-minute vacation to the bathroom today. “I decided that I needed to get away after my afternoon conference call, so I traveled to the men’s bathroom and took some me time,” said Bill Graves, one of the country’s 150 million employees who decided […]

Speaker Wants Presentation To Be Interactive, Encourages Questions

BALTIMORE, MD­—While speaking to the senior management team during a monthly strategy session at Scepter Technologies, Senior VP Gerry Stenson said that he wants the presentation to be interactive and encourages questions from the group. “I know I’m the only thing standing between you and lunch, so this will move a lot faster if everyone […]

Study: Giving Airline Employees Dirty Looks Reduces Delays 36%

WASHINGTON, DC—A new study by the Federal Aviation Administration revealed that giving airline employees dirty looks can decrease flight delays by as much as 36%. “Data from the past 15 years demonstrates that sending snarls, grimaces, and evil eyes towards airline staff can significantly speed up travel times,” said FAA executive Michael Huerta, who noted […]

BREAKING: Director Cruising Hollywood Streets In Limo Looking To Cast Perfect Actor

LOS ANGELES, CA—Inside sources have confirmed that a big shot movie director is currently driving around the streets of Hollywood in a black stretch limousine seeking the perfect actor for his next film. “I recently finished my new script and know that there is someone out there just walking around that would be the absolute […]