Michael Sam Looking To Be First Gay NFL Concussion Victim

GALVESTON, TX—Missouri defensive end Michael Sam told reporters on Sunday that he is gay, and he hopes to become the first openly gay NFL player to suffer a concussion. “I am an openly gay, proud man,” proclaimed Sam, “and I am looking to enter the 2014 NFL Draft so I can someday be the first […]

Meteorologists Issue Warning For Winter Storm Fuck This Shit

WASHINGTON, DC—Meteorologists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration issued a warning this afternoon for Winter Storm Fuck This Shit currently hitting the eastern seaboard. “Fuck This Shit is unleashing heavy snow in the Southeast and bitter cold temperatures in the Middle Atlantic,” explained head NOAA meteorologist Dr. Gregory Schafer. The storm comes as dismal […]

Walgreens To Stop Selling Cigarettes, Alcohol, Soda, Candy, Processed Food, All Chemicals, Pointy Objects

DEERFIELD, IL—Citing its commitment to health and wellness, Walgreens announced Thursday that it would institute a ban on selling cigarettes, alcohol, soda, candy, processed food, all chemicals, pointy objects and any other product that has been proven to cause harm to its customers. “As we like to say, Walgreens is at the corner of Happy […]

CNBC Analyst Suggests You Buy Some Stocks

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ – Appearing on CNBC’s Squawk Box this morning, market research analyst Jeremy Lawson suggested that you buy some stocks. “I’ve run the numbers, and in my professional opinion, I think it would be a very good idea if you bought some stocks,” said Mr. Lawson looking directly into the camera while sitting […]

Budweiser Releases Ads For Next 10 Super Bowls

ST. LOUIS, MO – In order to generate more hype around the brand and create a more engaged online audience, Budweiser officials have elected to use social media sites to release advertisements slated to air during the next 10 Super Bowls. “Research has shown that viewers appreciate getting to see commercials ahead of time so […]

iPhone Fails To Notify Man Of Bus

IRVINE, CA – According to sources, area man Adam Franklin suffered severe injuries last night at the intersection of Jeffrey Road and Irvine Center Drive when his iPhone failed to notify him of a bus. “He was crossing the street, and I don’t think he saw it coming,” confirmed one eyewitness who saw bus 66 […]

Man At Strip Club Somebody’s Son

TOPEKA, KS – Sources confirmed that the man at Baby Dolls Gentleman’s Club off Interstate 355 is somebody’s son. “Hey honey, why don’t you come over here and give daddy a dance,” called the 39-year-old who probably has a mother and father somewhere who love him very much. The man, who goes by the name […]

Area Couple Ashamed To Admit They Met In Person

CHESTERFIELD, MO – Aware that their story is rather unorthodox, area couple Dave Rowland and Kelly Tyson are ashamed to admit they met in person. “Whenever our friends or family ask how we met,” sheepishly imparts Dave, “we always have a hard time telling them that I met her in line at Starbucks.” A slightly […]

Comcast Lures Customers With 1 Billion Channel Package

PHILADELPHIA, PA – In response to the millions of customers cutting their cable in favor of streaming services like Netflix and Hulu Plus, Comcast Corporation has announced a new cable package with 1 billion channels. “Viewers are demanding ever more personalization,” said Comcast CEO Brian Roberts in a press release, “and our new Executive Package, […]

Congress Postpones New Year’s Resolutions To March 2014

WASHINGTON, DC – Unable to come to a consensus on the country’s New Year’s resolutions before the final session of 2013, members of the Senate and House of Representatives agreed to delay the decision on the annual improvement measures to March 2014. “At this juncture, the Democrats refused to reach across the aisle, putting us […]