GM CEO Happily Announces There Are 3.3M Vehicles Out There To Recall

DETROIT, MI—In a very upbeat and hopeful press release to employees and shareholders this morning, GM CEO Mary T. Barra was pleased to report that there are 3.3M GM vehicles on the road for the automaker to recall. “Despite a challenging economic environment and continued pressure from foreign automakers, I am very happy to announce […]

Kindle User Misses Old Time Feeling Of Leaving Book Unread On Shelf

EUGENE, OR—Since purchasing a new Kindle e-reader several weeks ago, local man Greg Norwood has noticed that he kind of misses that old time feeling of having a book remain untouched on his shelf. “I know it’s a little silly, and maybe I’m just being needlessly old fashioned,” explained Mr. Norwood, “but sometimes I really […]

Edward Snowden Releases Documents Linking FAA To Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

MOSCOW—Saying that he has kept his silence long enough, Edward Snowden decided to leak thousands of documents this morning linking the Federal Aviation Administration to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, which he believes reveals the location of the missing plane. “The U.S. Government has propagated this charade long enough,” said Mr. Snowden in a video conference […]

Hey Kids, You Can Get Sick And Die At Any Moment

Hey there, kiddos! President Barry Obama here. Can I holler at you for a second? As you may have seen on the Twitter or read through the Facebook, our fine country is going through a few major changes. I’ve been trying my darndest to get everyone affordable healthcare, and it’s taken a long time, but […]

Study Reveals All Joggers Unemployed With No Responsibilities

WASHINGTON, DC—A new study from the Pew Research Center verifies that joggers who have the time to run long distances on a daily basis are actually all unemployed with no responsibilities whatsoever. “Our findings confirmed what many always suspected to be true,” announced head researcher Dr. David Newman. “Those people running while the rest of […]

LP Investigates: Changes To The SAT

The College Board, the organization that runs the SAT, announced yesterday that it is changing the format of the college-entrance exam. The organization is removing testing obscure vocabulary words, mandatory essays, and the 2400 point grading scale launched in 2005. Investigators at The Lonely Petunia were able to get an inside look at the changes […]

Gluten Free Diet Helps Area Man Lose 15 Friends

TACOMA, WA—After starting a gluten free diet several weeks ago, area man Aden Landau has been able to successfully shed 15 friends. “It was my New Year’s resolution to eliminate gluten from my diet after reading about its impact on the immune system, and since that time, I’ve watched the friends just fall off,” said […]

‘Son Of God’ To Introduce Jesus To Children Born After ‘The Passion Of The Christ’

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Released to theaters nationwide today, the new film Son of God will introduce Jesus Christ to children born after the 2004 movie The Passion of the Christ. “We are very excited to tell the story of Jesus Christ, especially to those kids born after Mel Gibson’s Passion who have never heard of Jesus,” announced […]

Area Man Does Taxes Early This Year For 15 Minutes

ATHENS, GA—In order to prevent a last minute scramble to complete his taxes, area man Jason Dewitt started his taxes early this year for 15 minutes. “I learned my lesson the hard way last year when I pushed off doing my taxes until the very last minute,” said Mr. Dewitt, who gathered all of his […]

Mom Reminds Single Daughter She Was Already Divorced With Shared Custody At Her Age

BEDFORD, IN—With only a few weeks to go before her 30th birthday, Kelly Weber’s mom reminded her that she was already divorced with shared custody at Kelly’s age. “I know you kids are getting married later and later nowadays, but I’m just worried that you’re going to miss out on the opportunity to go through […]