Disney CFO Announces Frozen 2

BURBANK, CA—Confirming the expectations of several market analysts, the Chief Financial Officer of The Walt Disney Company announced that pre-production has started on Frozen 2. “After looking at the numbers, I am very excited to say that the sequel to the highly profitable Frozen will be released sometime in 2015,” said Jay Rasulo in an […]

Little Timmy Found Dead At Bottom Of Chicago Pothole

CHICAGO, IL—Residents of Chicago were devastated this morning to discover that Timothy Martin, known to the locals as “Little Timmy,” was found dead at the bottom of a pothole located at the corner of Franklin and Van Buren. “This is a very sad day for everyone who knew and loved Little Timmy,” said Mayor Rahm […]

American Medical Association Recommends Dating A Doctor

CHICAGO, IL—Citing the results of a twelve month study documenting its impact on human health, the American Medical Association issued a report today recommending everyone to date a doctor. “In our professional opinion, we believe there are not only physical but mental health benefits to starting a relationship with medical practitioners,” stated AMA CEO Dr. […]

U.S. Government Issues IPO

WASHINGTON, DC—After 238 years of operating as a private institution, the United States government went public this morning with an Initial Public Offering. “This is a historic moment for our country and its citizens,” said President Barack Obama while ringing the opening bell on the NYSE, where the 3.0B shares of the country’s governing body […]

Analysts Estimate Tens Of Americans To Watch World Cup

BRISTOL, CT—With the start of the World Cup only months away, analysts at ESPN issued a report today showing that they expect tens of Americans to watch the 2014 World Cup. “Based on our predictive modeling, we believe that the World Cup held in Brazil could attract several tens of American soccer fans to tune in,” […]

U.N. Report On Climate Change Written In All Caps

YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Reinforcing evidence that climate change is having a material, adverse impact on every portion of the planet, a recent report by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was written in all caps. “WITH HIGH LEVELS OF WARMING THAT RESULT FROM CONTINUED GROWTH IN GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS, RISKS WILL BE CHALLENGING TO MANAGE,” […]

High School Football Team Unionizes

PLAINFIELD, IN—The National Labor Relations Board of Indianapolis ruled that the football players at Plainfield High School are employees and can unionize. “This is a proud moment for our team and for our school,” said starting quarter back Chase McGavin. The approval came after several weeks of deliberations by the Board, which took into account […]

Area Man Retires After 60 Years Of Youth, Health

BOSTON, MA—With 60 years of vigorous youth and perfect health successfully behind him, area man Peter Clifton has decided to retire. “I’m very sad to go, but I’m excited to take the time to focus on myself and my family,” said Mr. Clifton, who has devoted the past 35 years to Creighton & Lee, ultimately […]

BREAKING: Co-worker Going To Tell You About His Bracket

NEW YORK, NY—Sources confirmed this morning that one of your co-workers is going to track you down either by the water cooler in the office break room or at your desk so he can tell you about the status of his NCAA tournament bracket. Based on initial reports, analysts believe there is a 97% chance […]

Teenage Scientist Teaches Robot To Like Like

SUNNYVALE, CA—Impressing judges at this week’s Sunnyvale High School science fair, senior Eric Vollmer took home the top prize for teaching a robot how to fall in like like. “Congratulations on this remarkable achievement,” said panelist and principal Ryan Jackson to the 18-year-old Mr. Vollmer who accepted the award for not only building the functional […]