Where the World Gets Its News
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new poll released by the Pew Research Center, a giant pile of cash and guns has taken the lead for the GOP Presidential nomination. “With 35% of the support of likely voters, the 6-foot pile of stacked $100 bills and firearms has officially passed Donald Trump in the Republican race,” said […]
DALLAS, TX—Noting that it’s not really his place to say anything and that he doesn’t want to start any trouble, local man decided to stay out of any discussions surrounding the Baltimore riots right after a quick Facebook post about the riots. “I know that I probably shouldn’t say anything, especially because I’m not from […]
MIRAMAR, FL—Consistent with the company’s in-flight strategy, Spirit Airlines announced that it will start charging fees for anyone visiting spirit.com. “In order to provide our customers with the lowest possible fares, we have introduced a series of nominal fees for coming to spirit.com and using our booking tools and flight checkers,” said CEO Ben Baldanza […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Noting the success of the first Paul Blart movie and the draw of star Kevin James, industry experts confirmed Friday that, Jesus, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 will likely win the weekend box office. “Based on our forecasting models, which take into account ticket pre-sales and expected movie theater foot traffic, we’re estimating that, […]
WASHINGTON, DC—After interviewing thousands of couples around the country, the Pew Research Center issued a new report today showing that modern couples are waiting longer than previous generations to enter prenuptial agreements. “My parents entered their first prenuptial agreement when they were about 23 years old, and I think my grandparents had entered their prenup […]
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In response to several controversial calls during the men’s basketball national tournament that could have been resolved with official review, the NCAA announced today that it will introduce instant replay next season. “We have the technology to make sure that the right call is made every single time, so we expect to start allowing […]
HEAVEN—Noting that He is just totally exhausted and could really use the extra rest, Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior announced today that He’ll rise Monday, if not Tuesday. “It’s been a crazy couple months, and three days just isn’t going to cut it,” said a visibly tired Jesus to reporters on Good Friday, the […]
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Following the backlash to Indiana’s new “Freedom of Religion” bill passed last week, Governor Mike Pence spoke with reporters to clarify that the new bill simply grants every Indiana resident the freedom to practice whatever Christians decide. “Let me be very clear. This new legislation ensures that the government cannot step in and prevent […]
WELCOME Hi there! Thanks so much for stopping by. You’ve come to the right place. We’re going to have a great work out today. As you’re getting warmed up, I thought it would be a good time to go over the standard process. You’re going to select a program you’d like to run, and I’m […]
The Lonely Petunia 
If You Think About It, All Relationships End In Death, Heartbreak, Or Alien Abduction
When you’re single, you have a lot of free time on your hands to think about relationships. Lately, I’ve looked back at some of the relationships I’ve had and analyzed some of the relationships my friends and family have gone through. And I’ve realized that if you really think about it, all relationships end in […]