Anti-Gay Russia Organizes Elaborate Parade Featuring Flaming Stick

SOCHI, RUSSIA – Since early October, Russia, a country with a history of anti-gay laws and sentiment, has been conducting an elaborate parade featuring a flaming stick. “This four-month, 40,000-mile long trek is a proud moment for our country,” said Russian President Putin, who recently oversaw a law banning “propaganda of non-traditional sexual acts” and […]

Workout Rescheduled For Tomorrow

DALLAS, TX – Sources confirmed that this morning’s workout, originally set for 6:00AM, has been rescheduled for tomorrow. At around 5:55AM this morning, the exercise routine, which was slated to include a 45 minute ride on the stationary bike followed by push-ups and sit-ups, was relocated on the calendar to tomorrow morning at 6:00AM. Sources […]

NFL Launches “It Gets Better” Campaign For Rookies

NEW YORK, NY – In response to the onslaught of bullying in the NFL, league officials announced a new “It Gets Better” campaign aimed at struggling rookies. “The recent events at the Miami Dolphins organization opened our eyes to a world of immoral hazing in the NFL,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell, noting that it is […]

Cardinals Fail To Win World Series for Victims of St. Louis Living Conditions

ST. LOUIS, MO – The Cardinals come back home today empty handed after failing to win the World Series for the victims of St. Louis living conditions. “We’re very, very sorry,” said a watery-eyed Mike Matheny in Busch Stadium’s press box. “We know how difficult it has been for our fans, and we really thought […]

Packers Lobby to Play Vikings Every Week

GREEN BAY, WI – Following the Green Bay Packers’ 44-31 win over the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday Night Football, Coach Mike McCarthy made a formal request to commissioner Roger Goodell to play the Vikings every week for the rest of the season. “Given the proximity of the two teams, and considering Mr. Goodell’s concerns with player […]

Local Gym Offers Fitness Death Camp

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Citing innovative motivation techniques and superior results, Flagstaff Athletic Club has rolled out their new Fitness Death Camp as part of their fall schedule. In a statement released on its website, gym owner and CEO Eric Parker announced that the new exercise class uses the real-life, hard-hitting techniques utilized in death camps around […]

Racist Bigot Calls Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins

PHILADELPHIA, PA – During Thursday Night Football’s match between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs, some racist Eagles fan kept calling the Kansas City Chiefs the Washington Redskins. “I couldn’t believe it,” said Eagles fan Bernard Beneke, who was sitting next to the bigoted asshole as he screamed his hateful words. “He called the […]

Everybody at Gym Proud of Fat Guy Exercising

DENVER, CO – In the local 24-Hour Fitness, everybody in the gym felt a small sense of pride when they saw area fat man Gary Pierce exercising. Anna Wright was on the treadmill when she saw the obese Mr. Pierce waddle over to the counter and check in. “I assumed he just joined because I haven’t […]

Stripper Putting Herself through Ohio State

COLUMBUS, OH – A local stripper that goes by the name of Vixie uses all of her earnings and tips to pay for her tuition at Ohio State University—or “The Ohio State University” as she likes to say. Vixie dropped out of high school as a sophomore and quickly became an alcoholic and drug addict before Ohio […]

Area Man Finishing Up Last of Family Time before Football Begins

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – With opening kick-off less than two weeks away, area man Bill Dwyer is finishing up all his family time before he turns his focus to football. “I made a commitment to get all my quality time with my family done early so I can concentrate on the 2013 NFL season,” said Mr. Dwyer […]