Where the World Gets Its News
NEW YORK, NY—With his 3-2 win over the St. Louis Cardinals last night, New York Mets pitcher Jonathan Niese pitched only the 326,876th imperfect game in MLB history. “I’m very happy with the way I pitched tonight,” said the left-handed starting pitcher who reportedly knew it was going to be another historic imperfect game as […]
NEW YORK, NY—In order to shorten game length and appeal to fans’ demands for more action, Major League Baseball introduced 8 minute pitch clocks. “By limiting pitchers to only 8 minutes between pitches, games will be significantly shorter and drastically more exciting,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, who informed the assembled press that violating the […]
BRISTOL, CT—With the start of the World Cup only months away, analysts at ESPN issued a report today showing that they expect tens of Americans to watch the 2014 World Cup. “Based on our predictive modeling, we believe that the World Cup held in Brazil could attract several tens of American soccer fans to tune in,” […]
PLAINFIELD, IN—The National Labor Relations Board of Indianapolis ruled that the football players at Plainfield High School are employees and can unionize. “This is a proud moment for our team and for our school,” said starting quarter back Chase McGavin. The approval came after several weeks of deliberations by the Board, which took into account […]
NEW YORK, NY—Sources confirmed this morning that one of your co-workers is going to track you down either by the water cooler in the office break room or at your desk so he can tell you about the status of his NCAA tournament bracket. Based on initial reports, analysts believe there is a 97% chance […]
WASHINGTON, DC—A new study from the Pew Research Center verifies that joggers who have the time to run long distances on a daily basis are actually all unemployed with no responsibilities whatsoever. “Our findings confirmed what many always suspected to be true,” announced head researcher Dr. David Newman. “Those people running while the rest of […]
GALVESTON, TX—Missouri defensive end Michael Sam told reporters on Sunday that he is gay, and he hopes to become the first openly gay NFL player to suffer a concussion. “I am an openly gay, proud man,” proclaimed Sam, “and I am looking to enter the 2014 NFL Draft so I can someday be the first […]
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – With the anticipation continuing to build following the AFC and NFC Championship games more than two weeks ago, sports fans around the nation are excitedly waiting for Super Bowl XLVIII. “It’s a matchup between the #1 offense and the #1 defense, so you know it’s going to be a good game,” […]
ST. LOUIS, MO – In order to generate more hype around the brand and create a more engaged online audience, Budweiser officials have elected to use social media sites to release advertisements slated to air during the next 10 Super Bowls. “Research has shown that viewers appreciate getting to see commercials ahead of time so […]
CINCINNATI, OH – Despite her son’s dismal performance in the AFC Wild-Card loss to the San Diego Chargers, Tina Dalton still loves her son Andy. “I don’t care that he had a QB rating of 67.0, threw two picks, and fumbled once in one of the biggest games of his career,” explained Mrs. Dalton about […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President