Where the World Gets Its News
CHICAGO, IL—With the NHL regular season starting today, Bears fans across the city are celebrating the Blackhawks’ season opener. “I am so excited for the Blackhawks to start playing,” said Jerry Dawson, a lifelong Chicago Bears fan and avid supporter of quarterback Jay Cutler. Sources confirmed that Bears fans have been replacing Bears flags, banners, […]
BALTIMORE, MD—Michael Phelps was arrested last week after reportedly driving 84 mph in a 45-mph zone and swerving from lane to lane while under the influence of alcohol, making him one step closer in his quest of a record 8 DUIs. “He was unable to perform satisfactorily a series of standard field sobriety tests,” read […]
AUSTIN, TX—With thousands of college football players suiting up this weekend to kick off the 2014 season, Saturday will mark a proud day for the nation’s successful fathers. “I can’t wait to see my son to play in his first college game,” said Gerald Tatum of University of Texas tight end and son Frank Tatum, one […]
CHARLESTON, SC—A recent study sanctioned by the Professional Golfers’ Association demonstrates that looking at the face of a golf club immediately following a swing can improve a player’s score by an average of 12 strokes. “We watched thousands of players’ games and came to the conclusion that examining one’s golf club, particularly after a nasty […]
BRAZIL—In a gruesome scene at a World Cup match up between Portugal and Ghana, Cristiano Ronaldo suffered a severe injury for several seconds. “It was too much to watch,” said one eyewitness in the stands, who had to look away for a moment or two while Ronaldo writhed and screamed in pain temporarily. Paramedics were […]
MIAMI, FL—Following his announcement that he will be heading back to Cleveland to play with his hometown team Cavaliers, several Miami Heat fans expressed disappointment in losing LeBran James. “I’m going to be honest, I’m really going to miss LeBran,” said diehard Heat fan Kevin Miller, who added that the team won’t be the same […]
BRAZIL—After the humiliating 7-1 defeat at the hand of the Germans, the Brazilian soccer team announced plans to play defense against the Netherlands. “We watched the game tape and have decided to play defense against the Oranje,” said Brazilian coach Luiz Felipe Scolari, who added that his goalie will also attempt to block shots from […]
CHICAGO, IL—Wanting to give the New York Knicks free agent an inside look into his own city, Chicago Bull Derrick Rose gave Carmelo Anthony a tour yesterday of Chicago’s finest hospitals. “First, you have to see Northwestern Memorial Hospital,” said Rose on the guided tour, who reportedly pointed out Northwestern’s superior patient satisfaction rates and […]
BRAZIL—Following the early success of the World Cup and the on-pace execution of the 2016 Olympic Games, authorities announced this morning that Brazil will host the next Super Bowl, World Series, Masters, and Wimbledon Championships. “We are very proud to accept this honor of hosting four of the greatest sports championships in the world right […]
NEW YORK, NY—Winning game four of the Stanley Cup finals by a score of 2-1 last night at Madison Square Garden, the New York Rangers have forced the Los Angeles Kings to a game five Stanley Cup win. “It was a very tough game but we came out on top,” said Rangers head coach Alain Vigneault, […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President