Where the World Gets Its News
Vancouver, Canada—With a 5-2 victory over Japan, the U.S. women’s soccer team won the FIFA World Cup title yesterday despite the fact that not a single team member has a penis. “We’re very proud of this team,” said head coach Jill Ellis of the 23 women who were able to reach the championship game even […]
CHICAGO, IL—As part of a promotional event for tonight’s game against the Cincinnati Reds, Wrigley Field will be giving away Cubs metal pee buckets to the first 10,000 fans to enter the ballpark. “We continue to look for ways to make a trip to the Friendly Confines more enjoyable for our fan base, and these […]
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In response to several controversial calls during the men’s basketball national tournament that could have been resolved with official review, the NCAA announced today that it will introduce instant replay next season. “We have the technology to make sure that the right call is made every single time, so we expect to start allowing […]
BATON ROUGE, LA—Reportedly sitting down to the exam without the assistance of any academic advisers or university provided tutors, LSU track star Damien Wilmore took the Economics 103 midterm all by his itty bitty self. “It was all me. I did it all by myself!” said the adorable 6’ 6” freshman, who filled in every […]
BOSTON, MA—Taking into account his already packed schedule for today and the rest of the week, local Boston sports fan Paul McHale decided to forgo the Patriots Super Bowl parade and assumes he’ll just catch the next championship rally. “I’ve got a pretty important lunch with a prospective client, and I have to finish up […]
GLENDALE, AZ—Speaking with reporters following the Seattle Seahawks’ 28-24 loss to the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, head coach Pete Carroll admitted that they probably should not have run a pass play and instead kicked a field goal in the final play of the game. “Looking back on that interception, I realize that […]
DALLAS, TX—Citing a general lack of clarity after witnessing an almost perfect performance from his team’s quarterback, local Cowboys fan Mike Graves has been left dumbfounded by his inability to blame this weekend’s playoff loss on Tony Romo. “Most of my friends are blaming the referees for calling Dez Bryant’s fourth quarter catch an incomplete […]
IRVING, TX—The College Football Playoff committee voted yesterday and granted Ohio State the fourth playoff spot against top seed Alabama, granting the Buckeyes the opportunity to prove that the SEC is superior to the Big Ten. “We analyzed each team’s body of work this season and are very confident that OSU will settle any argument […]
GREEN BAY, WI—In a tight Sunday night battle between the NFC North rivals, the Chicago Bears ultimately outscored the Green Bay Packers 14-13 during the second half. “I’m very proud of what this team was able to accomplish tonight,” said head coach Marc Trestman in a post-game interview, heralding the impressive play from the Bears […]
CHICAGO, IL—Despite being scheduled for a bye week, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler was still able to somehow throw three interceptions on Sunday. “Today wasn’t my best performance, but I’m going to work on some things and hopefully come back next week better than ever,” said Cutler who started off the day by throwing an […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President