U.N. Report On Climate Change Written In All Caps

YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Reinforcing evidence that climate change is having a material, adverse impact on every portion of the planet, a recent report by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was written in all caps. “WITH HIGH LEVELS OF WARMING THAT RESULT FROM CONTINUED GROWTH IN GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS, RISKS WILL BE CHALLENGING TO MANAGE,” […]

Animal Planet To Air Puppy State Of The Union

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – In order to provide an alternative to President Obama’s address to the nation on Tuesday evening, Animal Planet will be airing the first annual Puppy State of the Union. “We invite all Repupicans and Dogocrats to tune in and see First Dog Bo woof about current issues including an update on […]

Congress Postpones New Year’s Resolutions To March 2014

WASHINGTON, DC – Unable to come to a consensus on the country’s New Year’s resolutions before the final session of 2013, members of the Senate and House of Representatives agreed to delay the decision on the annual improvement measures to March 2014. “At this juncture, the Democrats refused to reach across the aisle, putting us […]

GOP Launches Democratic Advancement Resistance Education (D.A.R.E.) Program

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to ward off the expansion of liberal ideals amongst the country’s youth, GOP leaders launched the Democratic Advancement Resistance Education program in schools across the country. Students will be introduced to the in-school curriculum, which will be referred to simply as “D.A.R.E.,” starting in the 3rd grade with a […]

Hungry Wolf Blitzer Craves Next Political Crisis

WASHINGTON, DC – With three whole weeks since his last feeding on the government shutdown, CNN sources confirmed that Wolf Blitzer is very hungry and starving for the next political crisis. “The standoff between Republicans and Democrats over Obamacare was a very filling meal for Wolf,” explained Patricia DiCarlo, Executive Producer of The Situation Room, […]

Grand Duke of Luxembourg Wonders Why Phone Not Tapped

LUXEMBOURG CITY, LUXEMBOURG – Following reports that the U.S. government might have tapped the cellphone of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Henri the Grand Duke of Luxembourg wants to know why, well, why his phone wasn’t tapped. “Am I not good enough?!” exclaimed the Luxembourg head of state who also goes by the name Henri Albert Gabriel […]

Obama Hires Congress Whisperer

WASHINGTON, DC – In a last ditch effort to wrangle in an unbroken and disobedient United States Congress, President Obama called in renowned “Congress Whisperer” Inigo Cardona. “I was left with no choice,” said a visibly exhausted Obama who has tried all other training techniques with the unruly House of Representatives and was forced to bring […]

Congress Raises National Glass Ceiling

WASHINGTON, DC – Responding to the nation’s cries for improving the way of life for women and minorities, Congressional leaders finally came together and raised the national glass ceiling. “For too long, our country’s women and minorities have been paralyzed by an unseen, yet unbreakable barrier that has kept them out of the upper rungs of […]

Fuck It, Nation Ready to Govern Through Rock, Paper, Scissors

WASHINGTON, DC – Citing the hopeless gridlock in Congress over spending and health care, the nation came to the consensus today that fuck it, they’re ready to govern themselves through playing rock, paper, scissors. “This is just absolutely pathetic,” said Timothy Collins, a registered Democrat, voicing the overwhelming feeling of 315 million people regarding Congress’s constant […]

BREAKING: Government Shut Down Clock Shuts Down, Government Continues

WASHINGTON, DC – The ticking clock counting down the minutes to the 12:00AM deadline for Congress to pass legislation to fund the government’s operations shut down this afternoon around 3:55PM EST, causing all members of both the House and Senate to revert back to serving the American people. “I think the clock malfunction brought us all […]