Where the World Gets Its News
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new poll released by the Pew Research Center, a giant pile of cash and guns has taken the lead for the GOP Presidential nomination. “With 35% of the support of likely voters, the 6-foot pile of stacked $100 bills and firearms has officially passed Donald Trump in the Republican race,” said […]
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Following the backlash to Indiana’s new “Freedom of Religion” bill passed last week, Governor Mike Pence spoke with reporters to clarify that the new bill simply grants every Indiana resident the freedom to practice whatever Christians decide. “Let me be very clear. This new legislation ensures that the government cannot step in and prevent […]
WASHINGTON, DC—Reports surfaced this morning that Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez has been running a rigorous campaign to make the abbreviation SOLOTUS happen. “Saying Secretary of Labor of the United States is way too long, so feel free to just call me SOLOTUS,” said Mr. Perez, who pointed out that we already have POTUS for […]
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the Republican sweep of the midterm elections yesterday, leaders across the nation have declared that the country is now fixed. “Everything is good now,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, who is set to become the Senate Majority Leader now that Congress and the rest of the United States government are all better. Voters elected […]
WASHINGTON, DC—With the 2014 midterm elections only weeks away, the American voter base is being introduced to a new slate of political attack ads reminding them that pretty much all of their elected leaders fucking suck. “Negative advertising is nothing new in this country, but it’s about this time of year that citizens are told […]
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the announcement that U.S. jet fighters have hit Islamic State artillery positions in northern Iraq on Friday, President Obama held a press conference to promise the American people that the country’s military involvement in Iraq is going to be like super, duper quick. “As of this morning, F-18’s have dropped laser guided bombs […]
JERUSALEM, ISREAL—Following the tragic kidnapping and killing of three Isreali teens and one Palestinian teen, leaders of Isreal and Hamas have vowed that they are now taking off their 4,738th pair of proverbial gloves. “We view these actions to be an act of war, and we will stop at nothing to defend ourselves,” said Isreali […]
WASHINGTON, DC—A new report issued by a select committee within the U.S. House of Representatives shows that the 2012 Benghazi terrorist attacks and, really, all war could have been prevented. “Our investigation demonstrates that the September 11th attacks in Libya could have been avoided,” said Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.), before adding, “And the evidence also […]
WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision that will impact American households across the country, Congress passed a bill yesterday to increase the minimum gauge for firearms. “It is our duty to make sure our citizens are adequately equipped to protect their families,” announced Speaker of the House John Boehner, who led a bi-partisan effort to increase […]
WASHINGTON, DC—After 238 years of operating as a private institution, the United States government went public this morning with an Initial Public Offering. “This is a historic moment for our country and its citizens,” said President Barack Obama while ringing the opening bell on the NYSE, where the 3.0B shares of the country’s governing body […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President