Where the World Gets Its News
CHICAGO, IL—Residents of Chicago were devastated this morning to discover that Timothy Martin, known to the locals as “Little Timmy,” was found dead at the bottom of a pothole located at the corner of Franklin and Van Buren. “This is a very sad day for everyone who knew and loved Little Timmy,” said Mayor Rahm […]
BOSTON, MA—With 60 years of vigorous youth and perfect health successfully behind him, area man Peter Clifton has decided to retire. “I’m very sad to go, but I’m excited to take the time to focus on myself and my family,” said Mr. Clifton, who has devoted the past 35 years to Creighton & Lee, ultimately […]
SUNNYVALE, CA—Impressing judges at this week’s Sunnyvale High School science fair, senior Eric Vollmer took home the top prize for teaching a robot how to fall in like like. “Congratulations on this remarkable achievement,” said panelist and principal Ryan Jackson to the 18-year-old Mr. Vollmer who accepted the award for not only building the functional […]
EUGENE, OR—Since purchasing a new Kindle e-reader several weeks ago, local man Greg Norwood has noticed that he kind of misses that old time feeling of having a book remain untouched on his shelf. “I know it’s a little silly, and maybe I’m just being needlessly old fashioned,” explained Mr. Norwood, “but sometimes I really […]
TACOMA, WA—After starting a gluten free diet several weeks ago, area man Aden Landau has been able to successfully shed 15 friends. “It was my New Year’s resolution to eliminate gluten from my diet after reading about its impact on the immune system, and since that time, I’ve watched the friends just fall off,” said […]
ATHENS, GA—In order to prevent a last minute scramble to complete his taxes, area man Jason Dewitt started his taxes early this year for 15 minutes. “I learned my lesson the hard way last year when I pushed off doing my taxes until the very last minute,” said Mr. Dewitt, who gathered all of his […]
BEDFORD, IN—With only a few weeks to go before her 30th birthday, Kelly Weber’s mom reminded her that she was already divorced with shared custody at Kelly’s age. “I know you kids are getting married later and later nowadays, but I’m just worried that you’re going to miss out on the opportunity to go through […]
LOVELAND, CO—A new study by the Pew Research center shows that last night’s first date between Brad Nealon and Kelly Garman was going well. “Based on our findings, we came to the conclusion that the couple’s initial meeting at Biaggi’s was satisfactory at first,” stated head researcher Dr. Aaron Cramer, adding that all leading indicators […]
WASHINGTON, DC – Prior to landing, flight attendant Sharron Joyner warned passengers of flight UA685 that bags in the overhead bins may have shifted reality. “Please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the captain has turned off the Fasten Seat Belt sign,” said Ms. Joyner over the cabin’s loudspeaker, “and please use caution […]
IRVINE, CA – According to sources, area man Adam Franklin suffered severe injuries last night at the intersection of Jeffrey Road and Irvine Center Drive when his iPhone failed to notify him of a bus. “He was crossing the street, and I don’t think he saw it coming,” confirmed one eyewitness who saw bus 66 […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President