Where the World Gets Its News
ATLANTA, GA—In an unbelievable act of trust at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport this afternoon, a group of 250 people knowingly put their lives in the hands of a complete stranger. “Welcome aboard United flight 4512 with service from Atlanta to Houston,” said the man over the airplane’s loudspeaker, representing the only form of communication each of […]
FRANKLIN, IN—On your most recent trip home, sources confirmed that Scout, the family dog, definitely saw you washing your hands after every time you pet him. “I was so excited to see you since I hadn’t seen you since Christmas,” Scout told reporters following the incident. “But immediately after petting me, I totally saw you […]
MARION, OH—While sitting down to a romantic picnic in Harding Park, area man Chris Parker asked area woman Michelle Sandberg to spend the rest of their pathetic, miserable lives together. “I love you so much. Will you marry me?” said Mr. Parker on one knee, effectively proposing that the two of them devote the remainder […]
PORTLAND, OR—Upon seeing her walk out of Starbucks and towards her car, several eyewitnesses reported that hot damn, that woman was really pregnant. “She waddled out with her iced coffee and I couldn’t help but think that holy smokes that woman was as knocked up as I’ve ever seen,” said Jerry Howard, who saw the […]
MILWAUKEE, WI—Returning home from work, area man Adam Harper set a new world record by stripping out of his business casual attire in a remarkable 3.8 seconds. “What can I say? Things really clicked tonight, and I was able to get out of those clothes faster than I ever have before,” said a proud Mr. […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA—Upon entering John Robinson’s apartment following a night of drinks and appetizers, area woman Shelly Mahan couldn’t help but notice that her date’s place was serial killer clean. “You’re kind of a neat freak aren’t you,” joked Shelly, noting the pristine hardwood floors in the living room, the spotless knife collection in the kitchen, and […]
FORT WAYNE, IN—Several sources have confirmed that this morning at approximately 9:15AM, that girl you like posted some bikini pics on Facebook. “Finally putting these pictures up from spring break 2014!” posted Katie Johansen, that girl you’ve had a crush on for quite some time. Based solely on the album preview on the news feed, […]
TACOMA, WA—Driving this past weekend to a barbecue at a family friend’s house, local dad Bill Nealon refused to use Google Maps for directions. “Don’t worry. I know exactly where we are,” said Dad to Mom, who reportedly reminded him that they were already 20 minutes late and suggested that he just take a look […]
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Meeting for the first time in person last night after weeks of e-mails on eHarmony, area couple Dan Graves and Lauren Fischer finally consummated their destiny set forth by fate and a computer algorithm. “I feel like we’ve made a real connection,” said Lauren, who came into contact with Dan as dictated by their […]
KENTWOOD, MI—Several sources confirmed that Mark Morefield, an apparent whack job completely out of his gourd, answered a phone call from an unknown number last night. “I wanted to find out who it was,” explained the insane lunatic who is psychotically unaware of the ability to let the caller leave a voice mail first before […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President