Woman Getting To Age Where Facebook Feed Full Of Funeral Announcements

AKRON, OH—According to an interview, area woman Sheryl Winters is getting to that age where her Facebook feed is full of funeral announcements. “Every single time I open my Facebook, I swear to God there’s another notice for a funeral or memorial service plastered all over my feed,” said Ms. Winters to reporters yesterday. Ms. […]

Area Man Unsure If He’s Currently Disappointing 7 Or 8 People

BOSTON, MA—While unsure exactly how many people he is currently letting down, area man Kevin Webber has successfully narrowed the field down to 7 or 8 disappointed candidates. “After my performance at yesterday’s meeting with a major prospect, I know for certain that my boss is not happy with me. So, that’s one,” said Mr. […]

BREAKING: Cranberries Left

WATERLOO, IA—Sources confirmed late this afternoon that there is still plenty of cranberry sauce left on the table at the Morris family Thanksgiving dinner. “Hey, does anyone want any cranberry sauce?” Sheryl Morris was overheard saying to the rest of her family, adding, “Well, there’s a lot left if anyone is interested.” According to reports, […]

Amazing Personality Swiped Left

CHARLOTTE, NC—Inside sources confirmed that at 11:27 last night local man Kevin Franklin, using the popular dating app Tinder, swiped Elyse, a 25 year old woman with an amazing personality, to the left. Reportedly, Kevin considered Elyse’s profile for approximately 0.8 seconds before using the app to stamp a giant red “NOPE” across her face, […]

No-Smoking Indicator Reminds Passengers Plane Really Old

ATLANTA, GA—Reports surfaced this morning that the “No-Smoking” indicator on Delta flight 2435 with service from Atlanta to Salt Lake City reminded passengers that the plane is really old. “I looked up at the console and saw the brightly lit No-Smoking sign, which let me know that this aircraft was built in a different era,” […]

Gillette Fusion ProGlide With FlexBall Technology Found In Snickers

HAMILTON, OH—According to police, someone in the neighborhood put a Gillette Fusion ProGlide with FlexBall Technology inside a Snickers and gave it to seven-year-old Charlie Porson. “We have several investigators on the case and will keep you posted in our search for the perpetrator,” said Chief of Police James Collins, who added that they have […]

Area Man Forgets Lifelong Dreams Every Morning

WAUSAU, WI—Area man Brad Hanon shared with reporters today that every single time he wakes up in the morning he completely forgets his lifelong dreams. “Sometimes I try really hard to remember my lifelong aspirations, but sure enough, every morning, I just can’t remember what they were,” said Mr. Hanon, noting that he doesn’t even […]

Area Man Aware Of Infinite Time Makes Long Term Plans

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite his awareness of the infinite span of time and his relative insignificance on the grand scale of the universe, area man Steven Watkins sat down this weekend to map out his long term career and life plans. “It’s important to take a long term view and set up some goals to strive for,” […]

Father To Someday Pass iWatch To Son After He Upgrades

RICHMOND, VA—After purchasing Apple’s new iWatch, local father Frank Novak realized that he would be someday passing the timepiece onto his son after he upgrades. “This is something that could stay in the family for decades and I can’t wait to leave it to my son after I move on to the next generation,” said […]

Teenage Girl Literally Dies

MINNETONKA, MN—In a tragic turn of events during a Labor Day outing yesterday, a teenage girl literally died. “We appreciate all the love and support we have received at this difficult time,” said Michael Pitman who was told that daughter Kelly Pitman actually died from drowning in Lake Minnetonka after falling off a friend’s pontoon boat. […]