Genius 22-Year-Old Scientist Backpacks Through Time to Find Himself

BOSTON, MA – At only 22 years of age, certified genius and recent Harvard PhD graduate Carl Peltz is about to head out on a time traveling journey in order to get in touch with his inner self. A Mensa inductee since the age of 12, Dr. Peltz has developed a functioning, one-man time machine that […]

Dogs’ Mouths Way Dirtier Than Originally Thought, Morally Speaking

BOSTON, MA – Dr. Ian Fischer, a German animal scientist at MIT, has developed a groundbreaking device that can translate dogs’ barks into human language, and what he has heard has been very disturbing. “These guys are some real sick pups.” Dr. Fischer demonstrated the device in his federally funded animal language lab. In a closed […]

Family Comfortable Enough to Give New Boyfriend Shit

PITTSBURGH, PA – The Jameson family is finally at a point where they are comfortable enough to tease and ridicule Freddy Cohen—the kindly young man who is dating their youngest daughter—directly to his stupid little face. “When Cindy first introduced us to Freddy, we were of course polite and cordial,” said Mr. Jameson. “Then we started […]

Lady Who Lives in Shoe Sentenced to Birth Control, Probation

LONDON, ENGLAND – After months of testimony, the Court of England sentenced the lady who lives in a shoe to indefinite ingestion of birth control pills and 18 months of probation for acts of child abuse. According to several eyewitnesses, the old lady “had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.” The lady who […]

Man without a Cover on His iPhone a Cocky Motherfucker

ST. LOUIS, MO – A man riding the bus yesterday was seen holding a brand new iPhone 5, however he did not have a protective cover encasing the device, the prick. Philip Egan bought the phone last week for $200 with a new 2-year contract and a dangerously inflated ego. “I mean, who does this d-bag […]

Area Man Steals ‘The Onion’s’ Format Because He Thinks He’s Funny

CHICAGO, IL – A local man named Tommy decided to steal the fake news format of revered periodical ‘The Onion’ in order to serve his depressing need to be creative. Throughout most of his life, Tommy has devoted himself to swimming, school, and a career in finance. For many people this would be enough, but Tommy […]