Where the World Gets Its News
NEW YORK, NY—Despite submitting a solid application and having several letters of recommendation, local teen Jeremy Swanson was put on the ISIS waitlist yesterday, sources confirmed. “I thought my essay titled ‘Death to America’ was pretty strong, but I think my marksman and bomb making scores might have hurt me,” said Jeremy, a 17-year-old who […]
CHARLOTTE, NC—A terrified baby was crying violently throughout Delta flight 1591 from Charlotte to Chicago this morning without even being aware that he was flying 36,000 feet above the ground and could conceivably plummet to this death. “He’s not typically like this,” said the infant’s mother, noting that he is usually quite calm when suspended […]
ROCHESTER, MN—After 25 years of being happily separated, area couple Sheryl Nixon and Gerry Dobbs decided to renew their divorce vows this weekend. “Despite being apart for a quarter century, we’ve never hated each other more, and we wanted to celebrate that by renewing our divorce proceedings,” said Sheryl to reporters. Sources confirmed that the […]
TOPEKA, KS—Despite the fact that her salary barely supports her personal living expenses, local third grade teacher Mary Reynolds also has to purchase her own school children, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I make about $35,000 per year, which just about covers my rent and credit card bills, so it’s really hard when I also have to […]
ATLANTA, GA—During a recent business trip, area man Kevin Simmons lost both sets of keys to this rental car because the keys were fucking attached to each other. “They gave me two sets of keys to my car, but for some goddamned reason, there was a metal ring permanently joining them together. So, when I […]
IRVINE, CA—A new report issued this morning stated that in the men’s restroom at Skyworks Solutions the feet underneath the bathroom stall are definitely Mike’s. “At approximately 10:04 AM this morning, the pair of feet visible below the stall dividers assuredly belong to Michael Fritz from accounting,” read the report, which arrived at the conclusion […]
ROANOKE, VA—Sources confirmed early this afternoon that local 5-year-old Eric Waters is under the impression that he is helping his mother bake cookies. “I want to stir it!” exclaimed Eric, who proceeded to barely mix the ingredients together in a large mixing bowl due to his lack of necessary strength and coordination, thereby slowing up […]
WASHINGTON, DC—A new report from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed that gyms across the country are bracing for the pathetic New Year rush. “We’ve hired some more part-time staff and added several machines to get ready for the embarrassing deluge of people who all of a sudden want to exercise,” said Eric […]
KEARNY, NY—Sources confirmed this morning that area man Kenny Wicke’s NYE party tickets bought back in October are non-refundable, goddamnit. “I spent $150 for entry to this party at some bar with a full drink package like three months ago. I really don’t feel like going, but looking at the confirmation e-mail yesterday, I realized […]
RIPLEY, OH—Due to high tensions amongst the adult family members stemming from recent current events, sources confirmed that any and all reasoned and compassionate conversations during the Robinson family Christmas dinner were moved to the kids table. “I guess I see what you’re saying, but I still liked The Lego Movie better than Big Hero […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President