Area Man Sees Nothing, Says Something

CHARLESTON, SC – In the middle of a crowded train, area man Patrick Shein saw absolutely nothing, but decided to call it in as something. Mr. Shein saw a bag unattended—a giant red handbag sitting on top of a seat, looking barely suspicious as there were plenty of bags sitting right near it. In a small […]

Local Tragedy At Least Not Terrorism

CHICAGO, IL – Investigators have confirmed that the tragic events that happened yesterday, killing dozens of people and injuring 100’s of others, were not due to terrorism, thank God. Immediately following the terrible incident, many eyewitnesses and bystanders couldn’t help but think that terrorism was at play. “Well there were explosions, and screaming, and people running,” […]

Anthony Weiner Apologizes For Still Being a Politician

NEW YORK, NY – Former congressman and current New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner held a press conference to apologize to the American people in response to new evidence that he never stopped being a politician. Mr. Weiner resigned as congressman in June 2011 due to a sexting scandal, which involved him sending lewd, naked […]

Royal Baby is Richer, More Important, and Better Mannered than You

LONDON – Despite being born just today, the newborn son of Catherine, Duchess of Cambrige, and husband Prince William is richer, more important, and actually better mannered than you only because of who he is and not because of anything he’s done. A long time ago, some guy claimed that God chose him to rule over […]

Zimmerman to Keep Watch for Martin’s True Killer

SANFORD, FL – George Zimmerman, acquitted of all charges in the murder of Trayvon Martin, has publicly devoted himself to reclaim his neighborhood watch post and find whoever killed that poor kid. Leaving the courthouse, Mr. Zimmerman made a statement, “whoever murdered that nice young man is still out there, because it obviously wasn’t me according […]

Marriage Has Always Been Gay

NEW YORK, NY – Many people celebrated last month when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, thereby paving the way for same sex couples to marry in the United States, but people are starting to realize that marriage has always been gay kind of. “Well, first off,” relays renowned wedding coordinator […]