Fuck It, Nation Ready to Govern Through Rock, Paper, Scissors

WASHINGTON, DC – Citing the hopeless gridlock in Congress over spending and health care, the nation came to the consensus today that fuck it, they’re ready to govern themselves through playing rock, paper, scissors. “This is just absolutely pathetic,” said Timothy Collins, a registered Democrat, voicing the overwhelming feeling of 315 million people regarding Congress’s constant […]

BREAKING: Government Shut Down Clock Shuts Down, Government Continues

WASHINGTON, DC – The ticking clock counting down the minutes to the 12:00AM deadline for Congress to pass legislation to fund the government’s operations shut down this afternoon around 3:55PM EST, causing all members of both the House and Senate to revert back to serving the American people. “I think the clock malfunction brought us all […]

Days Without Mass Shooting Sign Reverts Back to Zero

WASHINGTON, DC – Following the tragic shooting in a Washington Navy Yard that killed at least 12 people, the national “Days Without A Mass Shooting” sign clicked back down to zero. The sign was originally erected in 1995 by the NRA to inspire people to be careful and remind them to stop shooting each other. The […]

Syrian Boy Wants To Be a Fireman If He Grows Up

DAMASCUS, SYRIA – Syrian boy Anay Khalid told his mother yesterday that he would like to be a fireman if he survives the civil war and gets to grow up. According to his mom, the 6-year old has always loved helping people, and barring an early death due to rebel cross fire or road side bombs, […]

Office Gets To Talk About Jesus Today

NEW YORK, NY – With all of the Jewish employees taking work off to observe Rosh Hashanah on Thursday, all of the Christian workers at Kimball & Company are enjoying the freedom to kick back and openly talk about Jesus.  “We know that our Jewish co-workers don’t believe that Jesus Christ was the Messiah, so out […]

Mother Earth Putting Us Up For Adoption

EARTH – Citing rampant pollution, never ending infighting, and continued wastefulness of her natural resources, Mother Earth made the very difficult decision on Tuesday to put all of us up for adoption. After giving a valiant effort for the past 100,000 years, she came to the realization that she just can’t handle our childish behavior anymore. […]

Pepsi to Sponsor Syrian Air Strikes

WASHINGTON, DC – To qualm citizens’ fears that the U.S. is looking to enter a drawn-out and very expensive bombing campaign that will likely cost the taxpayers millions if not billions of dollars, national security advisers announced that the pending air strike against Syria will be sponsored by Pepsi. “Look, we don’t have the money, or […]

Study: 68% of MLK’s Dream Has Come True

WASHINGTON, DC – As laid out in a new study by the Dream Analysis Foundation (DAA), a field of scientists has discovered that approximately 68% of Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech has come true. The report was conducted to commemorate the 50 year anniversary of when Mr. King relayed his dream to […]

Nation Obsessed With Social Media Wonders Why ADD On the Rise

CHICAGO, IL – Recent articles, books, and studies show that a nation obsessed with social media sites like Vine, Twitter, and Instagram wonders why on earth Attention Deficit Disorder could possibly be on the rise. “I just don’t understand it,” said Dr. Philip Stone, a renowned psychologist, as he stared down at his iPhone 5 chuckling. […]

$12,000 Watch Tells Time and Date

NEW HAVEN, CT – A brand new IWC watch, purchased for $12,000 by venture capitalist Herman Sheffield, not only tells the time of day to the second, but also gives the date. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Mr. Sheffield asked. “It has all three necessary hands to tell the time: hour, minute, and second.” He then checked the […]