U.S. At Least Not Canada

CHICAGO, IL – With a cold snap affecting most of the country today, forcing temperatures to 20 degrees below zero and wind chills at 50 below, many of the country’s citizens have remarked that it is indeed very cold, but at least it’s not Canada. “We are experiencing some of the coldest weather this country […]

Report: 2014 Shitty Too

NEW YORK, NY – A report released by the Pew Research Center shows that after only three days into the New Year, 2014 is also shitty. “We took into account the major snow storm tearing across the country, the deadly bombing in Beirut, the ongoing drama with Edward Snowden, and the general malaise stemming from […]

Heroic Freedom Of Speech Defender Tells Everyone To Shut Up

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Coming to the rescue of Phil Robertson, the Duck Dynasty star who was cut from the A&E television program after making inflammatory remarks against gays and African-Americans, local hero Jenny Franklin has adamantly defended Mr. Robertson’s freedom of speech by telling everyone to shut their mouths. “Everyone can just shut the hell […]

Jesus Has No Idea What To Get God For Christmas

HEAVEN – Recognizing that He runs into this problem every single year, Jesus Christ is having a really hard time figuring out what to get God for Christmas. “I mean, He already has the whole universe, and if He wants anything, He just manifests it Himself,” sighed Jesus, explaining why picking something out for the […]

U.S. Wins Global Blessing Race For 393rd Straight Year

UNITED STATES – Sources confirmed yesterday that for the 393rd time in a row, the United States has won the Annual Global Blessing Race. “We looked at the data and can hereby claim that, yet again, the U.S. can count more blessings than any other nation,” proclaimed Jeffrey Clanton, who leads the UN’s blessing census […]

Nation Shocked George Zimmerman Has Girlfriend

APOPKA, FL – The nation expressed utter shock and disbelief yesterday upon hearing that George Zimmerman, who shot and killed a teenage boy and then was famously acquitted of all charges, has a girlfriend. “I just can’t believe that he was able to find someone,” said Shelly Hansen, voicing the astonishment of the country’s 315 […]

Super Typhoon Haiyan Water Park Reconsiders Name

PHOENIX, AZ – In the wake of the devastating storm that ripped through the Philippines and Vietnam over the weekend, management at the Super Typhoon Haiyan Water Park is considering a name change. “Due to recent events, we feel it would be in the best interest of our business to revamp our brand,” said waterpark […]

Healthcare.gov Partners with AskJeeves.com

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to modernize Obamacare’s online platform, government officials announced that Healthcare.com is partnering with AskJeeves.com. “We’ve heard the complaints,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, “and we’ve responded with Healthcare 2.0, complete with a new state-of-the-art search function administered by the innovators over at AskJeeves.” Mr. Carney then explained […]

Grand Duke of Luxembourg Wonders Why Phone Not Tapped

LUXEMBOURG CITY, LUXEMBOURG – Following reports that the U.S. government might have tapped the cellphone of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Henri the Grand Duke of Luxembourg wants to know why, well, why his phone wasn’t tapped. “Am I not good enough?!” exclaimed the Luxembourg head of state who also goes by the name Henri Albert Gabriel […]

Obama Hires Congress Whisperer

WASHINGTON, DC – In a last ditch effort to wrangle in an unbroken and disobedient United States Congress, President Obama called in renowned “Congress Whisperer” Inigo Cardona. “I was left with no choice,” said a visibly exhausted Obama who has tried all other training techniques with the unruly House of Representatives and was forced to bring […]