Report: Fucking Snow?!

CHICAGO, IL—A new report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration looked into the weather in the Chicagoland area and confirmed fucking snow?! “For fuck’s sake, it’s fucking snowing outside on fucking May 16th,” stated the report. The study was based on several sources looking out the window and sure as fuck seeing snow falling […]

Gay Couple Explains Bigoted Assholes To Adopted Children

COLUMBIA, MO—Unable to avoid the topic any longer, gay couple Patrick Lang and Andrew Pearson finally sat down to explain bigoted assholes to their adopted children. “We know that you have been seeing a lot of these close minded jerks on TV and in the news,” explained Mr. Lang to Evan, 8, and Kelly, 10, […]

Study: Indictment Has A “C” In It

EVANSTON, IL—A new study from Northwestern University’s Weinberg College of Arts & Sciences shows that the word “indictment,” meaning a formal accusation initiating a criminal case, has a “c” in it. “After months of research, we have come to the final conclusion that ‘indictment’ has a ‘c’ between the second ‘i’ and the first ‘t,’” […]

American Medical Association Recommends Dating A Doctor

CHICAGO, IL—Citing the results of a twelve month study documenting its impact on human health, the American Medical Association issued a report today recommending everyone to date a doctor. “In our professional opinion, we believe there are not only physical but mental health benefits to starting a relationship with medical practitioners,” stated AMA CEO Dr. […]

U.N. Report On Climate Change Written In All Caps

YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Reinforcing evidence that climate change is having a material, adverse impact on every portion of the planet, a recent report by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was written in all caps. “WITH HIGH LEVELS OF WARMING THAT RESULT FROM CONTINUED GROWTH IN GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS, RISKS WILL BE CHALLENGING TO MANAGE,” […]

Edward Snowden Releases Documents Linking FAA To Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

MOSCOW—Saying that he has kept his silence long enough, Edward Snowden decided to leak thousands of documents this morning linking the Federal Aviation Administration to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, which he believes reveals the location of the missing plane. “The U.S. Government has propagated this charade long enough,” said Mr. Snowden in a video conference […]

LP Investigates: Changes To The SAT

The College Board, the organization that runs the SAT, announced yesterday that it is changing the format of the college-entrance exam. The organization is removing testing obscure vocabulary words, mandatory essays, and the 2400 point grading scale launched in 2005. Investigators at The Lonely Petunia were able to get an inside look at the changes […]

Obese Floridians Call For Sit Your Ground Law

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Citing equal rights and an unfair interpretation of the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law, overweight Floridians are calling on policymakers for a “Sit Your Ground” provision. “Florida’s self-defense laws are entirely unconstitutional,” said Jason Wright of the American Civil Liberties Union, “as the regulations do not account for the fact that obese citizens, at […]

Meteorologists Issue Warning For Winter Storm Fuck This Shit

WASHINGTON, DC—Meteorologists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration issued a warning this afternoon for Winter Storm Fuck This Shit currently hitting the eastern seaboard. “Fuck This Shit is unleashing heavy snow in the Southeast and bitter cold temperatures in the Middle Atlantic,” explained head NOAA meteorologist Dr. Gregory Schafer. The storm comes as dismal […]

Archaeologist Discovers Missing Cuff Link

FALLON, NV – Sources confirmed that American archaeologist Dr. Robert Warner made a notable discovery yesterday when he uncovered the missing cuff link. “I can’t believe it’s taken me this long, but it’s definitely a relief,” said the University of Nevada professor in regards to the 38-year-old relic, which emanated as a wedding gift from […]