Police Body Cameras To Provide Crucial Evidence Grand Juries Can Ignore

NEW YORK, NY—Following the grand jury’s decision not to indict Officer Daniel Pantaleo in the killing of Eric Garner, which was captured entirely on camera, the U.S. justice department has issued a decree that all police officers should be equipped with body cameras to capture crucial video evidence that can be totally ignored. “We believe […]

CDC To Quarantine, Murder Healthcare Workers From West Africa

ATLANTA, GA—In an effort to battle the spread of Ebola into the United States, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced a new policy to quarantine and then murder all healthcare workers coming from West Africa. “To date, our attempts to contain Ebola have not been successful. As such, we are imposing a new […]

Dallas Resident Didn’t Even Want To Have Lunch With Ebola Patient

DALLAS, TX—Following the news that Thomas Eric Duncan was diagnosed with the Ebola virus, area man Kevin Jameson expressed severe regret as he didn’t even want to have lunch with Mr. Duncan in the first place. “He asked me to lunch as we hadn’t seen each other in a while because of his trip to […]

Father To Someday Pass iWatch To Son After He Upgrades

RICHMOND, VA—After purchasing Apple’s new iWatch, local father Frank Novak realized that he would be someday passing the timepiece onto his son after he upgrades. “This is something that could stay in the family for decades and I can’t wait to leave it to my son after I move on to the next generation,” said […]

Unsocial, Somber Charity Campaign Raises $0

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising turn of events, the recent marketing campaign by the American Heart Association, which forwent social media and focused on the somber seriousness of heart disease in order to raise money for research, has reportedly raised $0 to date. “Unfortunately our strategy of leveraging the network of the USPS by mailing out […]

Marvel Introduces New Supervillain ‘Unarmed Black Teenager’

NEW YORK, NY—Executives at Marvel Comics announced today that in the upcoming issue of its Avengers series, fans will be introduced to a new supervillain called the Unarmed Black Teenager. “We are very excited to release our most diabolical villain yet,” said Axel Alonso, the publisher’s Editor-in-Chief, adding that the team of Ironman, Thor, Captain America, […]

Isreal, Hamas Remove 4,738th Pair Of Gloves

JERUSALEM, ISREAL—Following the tragic kidnapping and killing of three Isreali teens and one Palestinian teen, leaders of Isreal and Hamas have vowed that they are now taking off their 4,738th pair of proverbial gloves. “We view these actions to be an act of war, and we will stop at nothing to defend ourselves,” said Isreali […]

Study: You’re Still Nobody When Somebody Loves You

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released today from the Brookings Institute confirmed that you are still nobody even when somebody loves you. “Contrary to popular belief, receiving the love of another human being does not deny that fact that you are a nobody and alone in the universe,” said head researcher Dr. Alan Reynolds, who added that […]

Winning Lottery Main Retirement Plan For Non-Zero Portion Of U.S. Population

WASHINGTON, DC—A new report issued Thursday by the Government Accountability Office revealed that the portion of the U.S. population that is relying upon future lottery winnings to support their retirement is not zero. “We have come to the conclusion that there is a quantifiable number of people in the country that have no savings plan […]

Everyone On CTA Commute Simultaneously Listens To Katy Perry

CHICAGO, IL—Reports confirmed that at approximately 7:42AM this morning, every single person riding the CTA was simultaneously and independently listening to Roar by Katy Perry. “I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath,” sung Katy Perry into the headphones of each commuter riding a bus or el train at exactly the same time. […]