Where the World Gets Its News
New York, NY – Following his comments that the slaves who built the White House were well fed and had decent housing, Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly reported that prisoners got ample levels of exercise during their stay at the Auschwitz concentration camp. “During the 1940’s, all inhabitants of the camp had at least one […]
COLUMBIA, SC—Following the recent shooting at Charleston, debate has revolved around whether the state capital should continue to raise the Confederate flag, which supporters deem as a proud reminder of when the Confederacy had their butts handed to them by a bunch of pansy ass Yankees. “The Confederate flag is a part of our history, […]
ST. LOUIS, MO—With the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of same-sex marriage, sources confirmed that the long-time boyfriend of local man Aaron Swanson is now completely out of excuses. “For years he was telling me that he wanted to get his life and career in order before we tied the knot, but he’s been promoted […]
DALLAS, TX—Noting that it’s not really his place to say anything and that he doesn’t want to start any trouble, local man decided to stay out of any discussions surrounding the Baltimore riots right after a quick Facebook post about the riots. “I know that I probably shouldn’t say anything, especially because I’m not from […]
WASHINGTON, DC—After interviewing thousands of couples around the country, the Pew Research Center issued a new report today showing that modern couples are waiting longer than previous generations to enter prenuptial agreements. “My parents entered their first prenuptial agreement when they were about 23 years old, and I think my grandparents had entered their prenup […]
HEAVEN—Noting that He is just totally exhausted and could really use the extra rest, Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior announced today that He’ll rise Monday, if not Tuesday. “It’s been a crazy couple months, and three days just isn’t going to cut it,” said a visibly tired Jesus to reporters on Good Friday, the […]
NEW YORK, NY—Despite submitting a solid application and having several letters of recommendation, local teen Jeremy Swanson was put on the ISIS waitlist yesterday, sources confirmed. “I thought my essay titled ‘Death to America’ was pretty strong, but I think my marksman and bomb making scores might have hurt me,” said Jeremy, a 17-year-old who […]
WASHINGTON, DC—In order to combat the recent slew of cyberattacks, including the hack of U.S. Central Command’s Twitter account, officials at the Pentagon instituted a new policy to put an exclamation point at the end of all on-line passwords. “Including the exclamation point for all passwords associated with the Department of Defense will create another […]
NEW YORK, NY—With more than a year gone by after the tragic killings at the Charlie Hebdo headquarters in Paris, the last and final satirical newspaper finally closed its doors. “There’s simply no place for satirical news anymore. Those attacks changed everything and showed us the truth. They truly were the downfall of satire forever,” […]
RIPLEY, OH—Due to high tensions amongst the adult family members stemming from recent current events, sources confirmed that any and all reasoned and compassionate conversations during the Robinson family Christmas dinner were moved to the kids table. “I guess I see what you’re saying, but I still liked The Lego Movie better than Big Hero […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President