Where the World Gets Its News
CANTON, OH—After watching this past week’s Saturday Night Live hosted by Charlize Theron, local 12-year-old Charlie Gatton reiterated his long-held belief that the weekly sketch show just isn’t as good as it used to be. “Don’t get me wrong—I think the show is funny, but it’s just not like the old days,” said Mr. Gatton, […]
BURBANK, CA—Confirming the expectations of several market analysts, the Chief Financial Officer of The Walt Disney Company announced that pre-production has started on Frozen 2. “After looking at the numbers, I am very excited to say that the sequel to the highly profitable Frozen will be released sometime in 2015,” said Jay Rasulo in an […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Released to theaters nationwide today, the new film Son of God will introduce Jesus Christ to children born after the 2004 movie The Passion of the Christ. “We are very excited to tell the story of Jesus Christ, especially to those kids born after Mel Gibson’s Passion who have never heard of Jesus,” announced […]
SILVER SPRINGS, MD – In order to provide an alternative to President Obama’s address to the nation on Tuesday evening, Animal Planet will be airing the first annual Puppy State of the Union. “We invite all Repupicans and Dogocrats to tune in and see First Dog Bo woof about current issues including an update on […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA – In response to the millions of customers cutting their cable in favor of streaming services like Netflix and Hulu Plus, Comcast Corporation has announced a new cable package with 1 billion channels. “Viewers are demanding ever more personalization,” said Comcast CEO Brian Roberts in a press release, “and our new Executive Package, […]
MANHATTAN, NY – After quitting his job at a prestigious law firm, local lawyer Fred Gaily is putting his professional reputation on the line to prove that homeless mental patient Kris Kringle is the real life Santa Claus. “Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to,” proclaimed Mr. Gaily, when explaining why he […]
WASHINGTON, DC – With three whole weeks since his last feeding on the government shutdown, CNN sources confirmed that Wolf Blitzer is very hungry and starving for the next political crisis. “The standoff between Republicans and Democrats over Obamacare was a very filling meal for Wolf,” explained Patricia DiCarlo, Executive Producer of The Situation Room, […]
LOS ANGELES, CA – After years of desperation requiring an iron will and saintly patience, struggling actor Robbie Jones finally got the role of a lifetime in a piece of shit commercial. “It’s my big break,” said the Julliard School graduate who came to Los Angeles looking for fame and fortune and will now play the […]
LOS ANGELES, CA – Diverging from its traditional slate of sketch and situational comedy, tonight’s episode of Key & Peele will make fun of the differences between black people and white people. “We wanted to try something totally new,” explained Keegan-Michael Key, who stars alongside Jordan Peele in the Comedy Central segment that airs Wednesdays at 9:30CT. The […]
LOS ANGELES, CA – Living a double life, Sharon Frost works as a plus size model, reminding women and girls everywhere that they are beautiful human beings and should value their bodies no matter what they look like, and as a “Before Picture” model to remind all women and girls that they are disgusting creatures who […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President