Where the World Gets Its News
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Noting the success of the first Paul Blart movie and the draw of star Kevin James, industry experts confirmed Friday that, Jesus, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 will likely win the weekend box office. “Based on our forecasting models, which take into account ticket pre-sales and expected movie theater foot traffic, we’re estimating that, […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA—With the 87th Academy Awards just days away, the Brookings Institute released a new report proving that famous actors and actresses have achieved their success simply because they tried harder than everyone else. “We studied the behavior of hundreds of the most famous actors on the planet, including Oscar, Emmy, and Tony award winners, […]
BALTIMORE, MD—Noting that the middle aged man was sitting by himself in the slowly filling movie theater for Fifty Shades Of Grey, sources confirmed hopes that someone was going to join him. “I really pray he’s not here by himself and that his girlfriend or wife is just in the bathroom,” confirmed one eyewitness sitting […]
This year’s Academy Award nominations were released this morning. As is the case every year, the Academy left out several key performances and films. The Lonely Petunia has compiled a list of the 12 biggest snubs for the 87th Academy Awards. 1. David Oyelowo Did not receive a Best Actor nomination for his role in […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Production executives at Lionsgate Films announced today that the sequel to The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 will be split into four installments. “We believe that breaking up Mockingjay – Part 2 into four parts will really allow the amazing story by Suzanne Collins to be fully brought to life on the big […]
LOS ANGELES, CA—Sitting down with reporters yesterday, Ridley Scott, director of the new film Exodus: God and Kings, encouraged audiences to see the movie in 3D the way God intended. “This is a film of truly biblical proportions, and the only way to see it, as decreed by the Almighty Himself, is in eye-popping three […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA—A local internet user posted a blog post this morning blasting Interstellar, a science fiction movie based in the future, for being fictitious. “I’m sorry, but there were just so many things scientifically wrong with this movie that I just couldn’t focus,” read the post by StarSCR3AM regarding the fictional movie written and directed […]
LOS ANGELES, CA—Inside sources have confirmed that a big shot movie director is currently driving around the streets of Hollywood in a black stretch limousine seeking the perfect actor for his next film. “I recently finished my new script and know that there is someone out there just walking around that would be the absolute […]
NEW YORK, NY—Executives at Marvel Comics announced today that in the upcoming issue of its Avengers series, fans will be introduced to a new supervillain called the Unarmed Black Teenager. “We are very excited to release our most diabolical villain yet,” said Axel Alonso, the publisher’s Editor-in-Chief, adding that the team of Ironman, Thor, Captain America, […]
CHICAGO, IL—After reading several negative reviews about his performance as Captain Georg von Trapp in The Sound of Music at the Lyric Opera of Chicago, Billy Zane came to the sudden realization this weekend that perhaps Titanic did more for Leonardo DiCaprio’s career than his own. “It finally hit me that maybe that movie launched […]
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President