Where the World Gets Its News
WASHINGTON, DC – Responding to the nation’s cries for improving the way of life for women and minorities, Congressional leaders finally came together and raised the national glass ceiling. “For too long, our country’s women and minorities have been paralyzed by an unseen, yet unbreakable barrier that has kept them out of the upper rungs of […]
ATLANTA, GA – After leaving his corner office on the top floor of the Coca-Cola headquarters, John Robinson, a black man, entered the elevator alone only to be forced to the back like some sub-human unworthy of a front row position. Mr. Robinson got on the elevator on the 29th floor as a free and independent rider. […]
SAN DIEGO, CA – The birthday party happy hour for Regional Vice President Gerald Preston is going to be a great time according to Regional Vice President Gerald Preston. This afternoon, Mr. Preston could be seen going from cube to cube in the Horizon Company’s regional headquarters telling everyone that they should definitely be looking forward […]
SPRINGFIELD, IL – Albert Malas, known around the local town as a 41-year-old moron with absolutely no technical knowledge whatsoever, is reportedly still using iOS6 on his iPhone despite iOS7 being released yesterday. “Albert has always been a little late to the party,” said Jeremy Baird, the local gas station attendant, as he flipped through Apple’s […]
SANTA FE, NM – A series of reports are coming in saying that your family dentist Dr. Simms is currently drilling your mom. Allegedly, your mother left for her appointment about an hour ago, and according to an eyewitness named Andrea Miller, the office receptionist, your mom waited for a few minutes reading Time magazine while […]
CHICAGO, IL – Recent articles, books, and studies show that a nation obsessed with social media sites like Vine, Twitter, and Instagram wonders why on earth Attention Deficit Disorder could possibly be on the rise. “I just don’t understand it,” said Dr. Philip Stone, a renowned psychologist, as he stared down at his iPhone 5 chuckling. […]
KANSAS CITY, MO – The Kansas City Public Library released a YouTube video statement reminding everyone that all of its services are completely free. “All our shit, totally free,” said David Kemper, board president of the local library since 2001. “No fooling. If you want a book—and we’ve got a shit ton—just swing on by and […]
TORONTO – BlackBerry CEO Thorston Heins announced Monday that BlackBerry will be put up for sale on the Antiques Roadshow, the popular television show broadcast by PBS. Founded in 1999, the mobile phone manufacturer pioneered the smartphone market but has experienced difficulties as of late due to increased competition and touch screens. “We evaluated several options,” explained […]
NEENAH, WI – The Labor Department released numbers today saying that theU.S. economy added 162,000 jobs in July and the unemployment rate dropped to 7.4%, but Bob Collins added 0 jobs in July and his unemployment rate remains at 100%. U.S. unemployment has fallen from a peak of 10% in October 2008; however, Bob’s unemployment rate has been 100% […]
MIAMI, FL – Since installing the coded door lock on its bathrooms five years ago, Regional Associates Corp. has experienced no robberies or violent crimes within its offices. In explaining their initial decision to beef up bathroom security, founder and CEO Blake Aaronson said, “Our first concern was unwanted strangers using our facilities. We were worried […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President