Where the World Gets Its News
RALEIGH, NC – Local resident Jerry Dillon has reportedly been much more productive over the past several weeks after switching to a morning masturbation routine. “I used to jerk off every night because it helped me go to sleep,” said Mr. Dillon about his previous self-gratification schedule. “But one morning I woke up really horny, […]
PHILADELPHIA, PA – In response to the millions of customers cutting their cable in favor of streaming services like Netflix and Hulu Plus, Comcast Corporation has announced a new cable package with 1 billion channels. “Viewers are demanding ever more personalization,” said Comcast CEO Brian Roberts in a press release, “and our new Executive Package, […]
APPLETON, WI – Heralding from Japan, a newly hired immigrant computer started work at Warehouse Office Products, replacing 12 jobs previously held by American born employees. Transported to the U.S. on a ship crammed with thousands of other immigrant electronic devices, the Toshiba X800 was installed to manage customer orders, inventory controls, financial accounting, compliance […]
READING, MA – Building on the success of their single cup coffee brewers, Keurig announced a new line of disposable coffee machines. “We recognize that many coffee drinkers have a very busy schedule, sometimes making it difficult to operate and maintain a traditional, multi-use coffee machine,” publicized Keurig President Michelle Stacy during a Q3 earnings […]
CUPERTINO, CA – At its most recent media event, Apple unveiled the release date of one of its child laborers. “We are very proud to announce that Apple will be releasing Li Min Zhang on December 15th,” said CEO Tim Cook to a captive audience of tech reporters at the company’s quarterly press event. “For […]
WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to modernize Obamacare’s online platform, government officials announced that Healthcare.com is partnering with AskJeeves.com. “We’ve heard the complaints,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, “and we’ve responded with Healthcare 2.0, complete with a new state-of-the-art search function administered by the innovators over at AskJeeves.” Mr. Carney then explained […]
HARRISBURG, PA – Citing exceptional performance and a commitment to the company above and beyond the call of duty, Walmart promoted local employee James Tomlin to Human Being. “Over the course of the last 12 years,” announced Regional VP Gerald Northcott in a branch meeting, “James has been an exemplary Walmart employee, and I want to […]
CHICAGO, IL – Several sources confirmed this afternoon that a local food truck operator was yelling something about food. Parked on the corner of Franklin and Jackson near the Willis Tower, a man standing inside a 1985 Avostar retrofitted to prepare food was hollering at passersby various things about food and food related items. “I’m fairly […]
COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – Danish pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk launched sales of its new line of “Fun Size” insulin pens. Lars Sorensen, CEO of the medical equipment manufacturer famous for its diabetes treatments, held a press conference today announcing the innovative product that should hit shelves prior to Halloween. “We noticed two major trends in the United […]
PHOENIX, AZ – An intern at Forward Capital Partners is currently operating under the assumption that he’s going to leave the office at 5:00PM this evening. Michael Shear, a senior at Arizona State working towards his finance degree, came into the office this morning about an hour earlier than normal determined to work efficiently and effectively […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President