Study: Giving Airline Employees Dirty Looks Reduces Delays 36%

WASHINGTON, DC—A new study by the Federal Aviation Administration revealed that giving airline employees dirty looks can decrease flight delays by as much as 36%. “Data from the past 15 years demonstrates that sending snarls, grimaces, and evil eyes towards airline staff can significantly speed up travel times,” said FAA executive Michael Huerta, who noted […]

Comcast Launches Refer-An-Enemy Campaign

PHILADELPHIA, PA—In an effort to leverage social media and increase its customer base, Comcast launched their “Refer-An-Enemy” program, which will incentivize existing customers to refer their most hated adversaries to the XFININITY network. “We want to reward our most loyal customers. This new program gives them the opportunity to share our cable, internet, and telephone […]

Sleepy’s Grand Opening Enters Ninth Month

MOUNT PROSPECT, IL—Reporters revealed today that the grand opening for the Sleepy’s located on Rand Road has now entered its ninth month. “Come on in for once-in-a-lifetime savings on the greatest selection of mattresses you’ll ever find,” said store manager Gerald Morris, who noted that the 20% discount celebrating the November opening won’t last long. […]

E-Mail Disclaimer Denotes Confidential Nature Of Link To Masturbating Monkey Video

ATLANTA, GA—A disclaimer at the bottom of an e-mail between co-workers Brad Murphy and Eric Cooper noted the confidential nature of a link to a video of a masturbating monkey. “The information transmitted by the forgoing message is intended only for the addressee and may contain confidential and/or privileged material,” read the proviso at the […]

Misinformed CMO Wants Ad To Go Bacterial

FRESNO, CA—A terribly misguided Chief Marketing Officer at local startup Fizzy Pop explained to his team this morning that he wants their new ad campaign to go bacterial. “I want this thing spreading like a quickly growing bacterium,” said CMO Charles Reist during the morning board meeting, explaining that he’d like to see views of […]

GM CEO Happily Announces There Are 3.3M Vehicles Out There To Recall

DETROIT, MI—In a very upbeat and hopeful press release to employees and shareholders this morning, GM CEO Mary T. Barra was pleased to report that there are 3.3M GM vehicles on the road for the automaker to recall. “Despite a challenging economic environment and continued pressure from foreign automakers, I am very happy to announce […]

Area Man Does Taxes Early This Year For 15 Minutes

ATHENS, GA—In order to prevent a last minute scramble to complete his taxes, area man Jason Dewitt started his taxes early this year for 15 minutes. “I learned my lesson the hard way last year when I pushed off doing my taxes until the very last minute,” said Mr. Dewitt, who gathered all of his […]

Walgreens To Stop Selling Cigarettes, Alcohol, Soda, Candy, Processed Food, All Chemicals, Pointy Objects

DEERFIELD, IL—Citing its commitment to health and wellness, Walgreens announced Thursday that it would institute a ban on selling cigarettes, alcohol, soda, candy, processed food, all chemicals, pointy objects and any other product that has been proven to cause harm to its customers. “As we like to say, Walgreens is at the corner of Happy […]

CNBC Analyst Suggests You Buy Some Stocks

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ – Appearing on CNBC’s Squawk Box this morning, market research analyst Jeremy Lawson suggested that you buy some stocks. “I’ve run the numbers, and in my professional opinion, I think it would be a very good idea if you bought some stocks,” said Mr. Lawson looking directly into the camera while sitting […]

Budweiser Releases Ads For Next 10 Super Bowls

ST. LOUIS, MO – In order to generate more hype around the brand and create a more engaged online audience, Budweiser officials have elected to use social media sites to release advertisements slated to air during the next 10 Super Bowls. “Research has shown that viewers appreciate getting to see commercials ahead of time so […]