Where the World Gets Its News
MIRAMAR, FL—Consistent with the company’s in-flight strategy, Spirit Airlines announced that it will start charging fees for anyone visiting spirit.com. “In order to provide our customers with the lowest possible fares, we have introduced a series of nominal fees for coming to spirit.com and using our booking tools and flight checkers,” said CEO Ben Baldanza […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new study released by the Brookings Institute revealed that the Ford Motor Company, an American automaker headquartered in Michigan, would like you to buy one of their trucks. “After thoroughly analyzing the data and interviewing both executives and employees, we can conclusively say that Ford would be very pleased if you […]
ATLANTA, GA—During a recent business trip, area man Kevin Simmons lost both sets of keys to this rental car because the keys were fucking attached to each other. “They gave me two sets of keys to my car, but for some goddamned reason, there was a metal ring permanently joining them together. So, when I […]
IRVINE, CA—In response to McDonald’s new “Pay With Lovin’” marketing campaign, in which select customers will be given a chance to pay for their meal with a random act of love, Taco Bell announced its own “Pay With Hatin’” sales ploy. “We know that our customers hate themselves deep down inside, so what better way […]
COLUMBUS, OH—After weighing several options for its high profile Super Bowl ad, Nationwide Insurance ultimately decided to go with the dead kid idea. “We had a lot of great ideas during the brainstorming session, including uplifting stories about how Nationwide helps families every day across the country or how we have been a trusted insurance […]
TAMPA, FL—Noting that he will do everything he can to share with the entire office that he worked out this morning, sources confirmed that co-worker Chris Jenson will mention his morning workout 12 times throughout the day. “Man, I had a great work out this morning,” will be Mr. Jenson’s first and most literal declaration […]
CUPERTINO, CA—Marking a change in strategy for Apple’s iCloud from individual to shared storage, company representatives announced today they were changing the name of the cloud based service to ourCloud. “We noted the recent successes of distributing celebrities’ intimate pictures to the internet as well as sharing personal information with the Chinese government and have […]
ROCHESTER, NY—In an attempt to be fiscally responsible, area man Kevin Harrigan put most of his recent quarterly bonus away to lose in the next financial crisis. “My parents taught me when I was young to always save money for the future,” said Mr. Harrigan, who reportedly invested approximately $5,000 into various mutual funds, stocks, […]
WASHINGTON, DC—A Gallup poll showed that the nation’s office workers took a 6-minute vacation to the bathroom today. “I decided that I needed to get away after my afternoon conference call, so I traveled to the men’s bathroom and took some me time,” said Bill Graves, one of the country’s 150 million employees who decided […]
BALTIMORE, MD—While speaking to the senior management team during a monthly strategy session at Scepter Technologies, Senior VP Gerry Stenson said that he wants the presentation to be interactive and encourages questions from the group. “I know I’m the only thing standing between you and lunch, so this will move a lot faster if everyone […]
The Lonely Petunia 
I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President