Genius 22-Year-Old Scientist Backpacks Through Time to Find Himself

BOSTON, MA – At only 22 years of age, certified genius and recent Harvard PhD graduate Carl Peltz is about to head out on a time traveling journey in order to get in touch with his inner self. A Mensa inductee since the age of 12, Dr. Peltz has developed a functioning, one-man time machine that […]

Brown President Replaces Black President to Denote Futuristic Movie Setting

LOS ANGELES, CA – In the upcoming science fiction film Elysium, set in 2154, the President of the high-tech utopian country will be played by Faran Tahir, a Pakistani-American actor, to really give a feel for how far into the future the movie is supposed to be. Since the election of President Obama, screenwriters have had a […]

Cleveland Indians Fan Who Caught Four Foul Balls Still From Cleveland

CLEVELAND, OH – At a Cleveland Indians game on Sunday, lifetime fan Greg Van Niel caught four foul balls, an incredibly lucky feat that does not change the fact that he’s from Cleveland and cheers for the Indians. Mr. Van Neil is a season ticket holder, which unfortunately means he was not there by some sad […]

Clearly, the Houston Astros Aren’t Cheating

HOUSTON, TX – After years of steroid use in Major League Baseball, player scrutiny has reached an all-time high, but we can all pretty much agree that the Houston Astros are definitely not cheating. The Astros currently own a record of 33-61, making them the worst team in baseball. Many believe that the team is a […]

Zimmerman to Keep Watch for Martin’s True Killer

SANFORD, FL – George Zimmerman, acquitted of all charges in the murder of Trayvon Martin, has publicly devoted himself to reclaim his neighborhood watch post and find whoever killed that poor kid. Leaving the courthouse, Mr. Zimmerman made a statement, “whoever murdered that nice young man is still out there, because it obviously wasn’t me according […]

Marriage Has Always Been Gay

NEW YORK, NY – Many people celebrated last month when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, thereby paving the way for same sex couples to marry in the United States, but people are starting to realize that marriage has always been gay kind of. “Well, first off,” relays renowned wedding coordinator […]

Dogs’ Mouths Way Dirtier Than Originally Thought, Morally Speaking

BOSTON, MA – Dr. Ian Fischer, a German animal scientist at MIT, has developed a groundbreaking device that can translate dogs’ barks into human language, and what he has heard has been very disturbing. “These guys are some real sick pups.” Dr. Fischer demonstrated the device in his federally funded animal language lab. In a closed […]

Family Comfortable Enough to Give New Boyfriend Shit

PITTSBURGH, PA – The Jameson family is finally at a point where they are comfortable enough to tease and ridicule Freddy Cohen—the kindly young man who is dating their youngest daughter—directly to his stupid little face. “When Cindy first introduced us to Freddy, we were of course polite and cordial,” said Mr. Jameson. “Then we started […]

Lady Who Lives in Shoe Sentenced to Birth Control, Probation

LONDON, ENGLAND – After months of testimony, the Court of England sentenced the lady who lives in a shoe to indefinite ingestion of birth control pills and 18 months of probation for acts of child abuse. According to several eyewitnesses, the old lady “had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.” The lady who […]

Man without a Cover on His iPhone a Cocky Motherfucker

ST. LOUIS, MO – A man riding the bus yesterday was seen holding a brand new iPhone 5, however he did not have a protective cover encasing the device, the prick. Philip Egan bought the phone last week for $200 with a new 2-year contract and a dangerously inflated ego. “I mean, who does this d-bag […]