Aaron Rodgers Still Believes In Santa Claus

GREEN BAY, WI – At Packer football camp yesterday, quarterback Aaron Rodgers confronted the media regarding his standing behind Milwaukee Brewer Ryan Braun during Braun’s initial doping accusations and said he was shocked that they turned out to be true, but nothing is going to shake his confidence in Santa Claus. “Look, I was duped with […]

Google Maps Totally Overestimates How Fast Area Man Can Walk

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – In creating the route for area man Albert Landler, Google Maps overestimated how quickly it would take him to walk from his office to the local train station, causing him to nearly miss his 6:20 train. “I put the directions into my phone,” Mr. Lander explained, “and it told me it would take […]

Openly Gay Presenter Talks About Backdoor Trading to Absolutely No Snickers or Giggles

SAN DIEGO, CA – Openly gay compliance officer Eric Manning gave a presentation to the rest of his co-workers about the perils of backdoor trading, but absolutely no one even so much as smirked at the very obvious double entendre. The title of the presentation itself, “Say No to the Backdoor,” should have elicited at least […]

Local Tragedy At Least Not Terrorism

CHICAGO, IL – Investigators have confirmed that the tragic events that happened yesterday, killing dozens of people and injuring 100’s of others, were not due to terrorism, thank God. Immediately following the terrible incident, many eyewitnesses and bystanders couldn’t help but think that terrorism was at play. “Well there were explosions, and screaming, and people running,” […]

Anthony Weiner Apologizes For Still Being a Politician

NEW YORK, NY – Former congressman and current New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner held a press conference to apologize to the American people in response to new evidence that he never stopped being a politician. Mr. Weiner resigned as congressman in June 2011 due to a sexting scandal, which involved him sending lewd, naked […]

Newlyweds Have Cut Cake Before, If You Know What I Mean

COLUMBUS, OH – The new Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Schwartz just cut their wedding cake together, symbolizing their union as man and wife, but this is not the first time they’ve each cut a cake, if you know what I mean. Neither has been married before, but Jonathan has sliced plenty of cakes and Mary has […]

Child Loses Race Employing “Tortoise and the Hare” Strategy

TOPEKA, KS – At Camp Tomahawk’s annual Field Day, local 8-year old Timmy S. lost the potato sack race after using a “Tortoise and the Hare” strategy he learned from his parents the night before. “We read him a bedtime story every night, and last night we chose that classic tale,” Timmy’s mommy explained. “We had […]

Royal Baby is Richer, More Important, and Better Mannered than You

LONDON – Despite being born just today, the newborn son of Catherine, Duchess of Cambrige, and husband Prince William is richer, more important, and actually better mannered than you only because of who he is and not because of anything he’s done. A long time ago, some guy claimed that God chose him to rule over […]

Moody’s Downgrades Chicago Municipal Bonds to “Newark”

CHICAGO, IL – Due to rising crime costs and an ever increasing pension liability, putting the City of Chicago at major risk, rating agency Moody’s decided to downgrade the city’s municipal bonds to “Newark,” one of the lowest ratings out there. “There are some beautiful parts of the city, I guess, but Chicago already has a […]

Janitor Commits Suicide Because You Stepped on His Freshly Mopped Floor

CHICAGO, IL – Remember yesterday when you walked into the train station bathroom? Remember how clean and fresh that floor was? Remember that nice janitor standing there with a mop and a smile? You probably don’t. Because you thought nothing of it as you stepped all over that sweet man’s work. Freddy Jones knew that being […]