Wisconsin Looking to Lose Another Rose Bowl

MADISON, WI – With opening day of the 2013 college football season fast approaching, the football team at the University of Wisconsin – Madison has their sights set on making it to and then losing this year’s Rose Bowl for the fourth straight time. The Badgers made NCAA history last year by losing their third consecutive Rose Bowl to Stanford 20-14. The team […]

Area Homeless Man Avid Coin Collector

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Area homeless man Alfred Brown has committed the last ten years of his life to collecting a remarkable coin collection simply by asking people on the street if they could give him their pocket change. His first collector’s item—a 1985 no mint mark Roosevelt dime, worth about $40—came to him by chance in […]

Smurfs Sue Blue Man Group

LOS ANGELES, CA – Citing intellectual property infringement and personal damages, the Smurfs filed a class action lawsuit against The Blue Man Group for $100 million. The lovable gang of miniature, blue misfits recently released Smurfs 2, which has a 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and has generated box office receipts $8 million below expectations through the […]

Scotti Madison: “I Didn’t Use Steroids and Look How Great My Life Turned Out”

As a former Major League Baseball player, I’m here to tell you that you don’t need steroids to be successful, and I’m a perfect example. Just take a look at my illustrious career between 1985-1989 and you’ll see that performing enhancing drugs just aren’t necessary to find success in this sport or in life. In […]

For Bob, Unemployment Rate Remains at 100%

NEENAH, WI – The Labor Department released numbers today saying that theU.S. economy added 162,000 jobs in July and the unemployment rate dropped to 7.4%, but Bob Collins added 0 jobs in July and his unemployment rate remains at 100%. U.S. unemployment has fallen from a peak of 10% in October 2008; however, Bob’s unemployment rate has been 100% […]

Anthony Weiner Turns Out To Be Andy Kaufman

New York, NY – In the most elaborate hoax of his storied career, Andy Kaufman revealed himself to be the man behind Anthony Weiner, a character he just made up. The entertainer, thought to have died in 1984, pulled off his detailed Anthony Weiner mask yesterday during a press conference and just started laughing hysterically. “I […]

White Woman Segregates Her Groceries from Black Woman’s Groceries

ATLANTA, GA – In a move that harkens back to the days of Jim Crow, a white woman segregated her groceries from the groceries of a black woman standing behind her in the checkout line. Without any hesitation and completely devoid of emotion, the white woman callously placed a plastic rod between the two groups of […]

Passcode of “1234#” For Office Bathroom Keeping Everyone Safe

MIAMI, FL – Since installing the coded door lock on its bathrooms five years ago, Regional Associates Corp. has experienced no robberies or violent crimes within its offices. In explaining their initial decision to beef up bathroom security, founder and CEO Blake Aaronson said, “Our first concern was unwanted strangers using our facilities. We were worried […]

Area Man Sees Nothing, Says Something

CHARLESTON, SC – In the middle of a crowded train, area man Patrick Shein saw absolutely nothing, but decided to call it in as something. Mr. Shein saw a bag unattended—a giant red handbag sitting on top of a seat, looking barely suspicious as there were plenty of bags sitting right near it. In a small […]

Palm Reader Tells Homeless Man Things Are Going to Get Worse

MILWUAKEE, WI – Queen Mystique, also known as Karen Sandburg, told area homeless man Gerald “Crazy Eyes” Martin that things are most definitely going to get worse. Crazy Eyes paid Queen Mystique’s $3.00 asking fee in change, about 3 hours of work for the local beggar, before she invited him into her velvet hut in Veterans […]