Computer’s Desperate Cries of “0101100101011” Go Unanswered

SEATTLE, WA – Sitting in solitude and tucked away in the back corner of the guest room closet, an abandoned computer shouts desperate pleas of “0101100101011” to absolutely no avail. Shoved there and forgotten by its owner five years ago, the Dell screams out “01011011” and “0110011101” in the hopes that someone—anyone—will hear its gasps for […]

Nation Obsessed With Social Media Wonders Why ADD On the Rise

CHICAGO, IL – Recent articles, books, and studies show that a nation obsessed with social media sites like Vine, Twitter, and Instagram wonders why on earth Attention Deficit Disorder could possibly be on the rise. “I just don’t understand it,” said Dr. Philip Stone, a renowned psychologist, as he stared down at his iPhone 5 chuckling. […]

Local Library Would Like to Remind Everyone Its Shit Is Free

KANSAS CITY, MO – The Kansas City Public Library released a YouTube video statement reminding everyone that all of its services are completely free. “All our shit, totally free,” said David Kemper, board president of the local library since 2001. “No fooling. If you want a book—and we’ve got a shit ton—just swing on by and […]

Soccer Moms Outside of U.S. Just Called Moms

ANN ARBOR, MI – A study conducted by the International Institute of Nomenclature reported that mothers who care for their soccer-playing children are typically called “soccer moms” in the U.S. but are called just “moms” anywhere else in the world. Domestically, soccer has spurred a rapid growth in women who identify themselves as “soccer moms” because […]

Total Fucking Weirdo Has Three-Legged Dog Though

QUEENS, NY – A local man dressed from head to toe in leather with multiple piercings and a pitch black mow hawk terrifies the many passersby who see him on the street, at least until they notice that the man is walking a three-legged dog, which probably means he’s a very caring individual with nothing but […]

Chicago Cubs: “This is a Rebuilding Century”

CHICAGO, IL – With a record of 52-68 and standing 19.5 games behind the NL Central leading Pittsburgh Pirates, the Chicago Cubs will mostly likely go another year without a World Series win, but owner Tom Ricketts held a press conference today to calm everyone’s angst and remind fans that the Cubs are in the middle […]

$12,000 Watch Tells Time and Date

NEW HAVEN, CT – A brand new IWC watch, purchased for $12,000 by venture capitalist Herman Sheffield, not only tells the time of day to the second, but also gives the date. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Mr. Sheffield asked. “It has all three necessary hands to tell the time: hour, minute, and second.” He then checked the […]

BlackBerry to Be Sold on Antiques Roadshow

TORONTO – BlackBerry CEO Thorston Heins announced Monday that BlackBerry will be put up for sale on the Antiques Roadshow, the popular television show broadcast by PBS. Founded in 1999, the mobile phone manufacturer pioneered the smartphone market but has experienced difficulties as of late due to increased competition and touch screens. “We evaluated several options,” explained […]

Automatic Urinal Clearly Sees Man Still Peeing, Flushes Anyway

LANCASTER, PA – In a Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom, Urinal #3 clearly saw that Aaron Ross was still peeing but decided to flush anyway, lightly splashing a mix of water and urine all over Mr. Ross’s freshly pressed khakis. “I just don’t get it,” said Mr. Ross. “I was obviously still relieving myself, but for some […]

Fatter, Whiter Tiger Woods Wins PGA Championship

ROCHESTER, NY – Sporting a much fatter and whiter look, Tiger Woods finally broke his major victory drought, which extended all the way back to the 2008 U.S. Open, with his win today at the PGA Championship. A chubbier and much more docile Tiger blasted a round of 63 on Friday, a PGA record, thrusting him […]