Office Gets To Talk About Jesus Today

NEW YORK, NY – With all of the Jewish employees taking work off to observe Rosh Hashanah on Thursday, all of the Christian workers at Kimball & Company are enjoying the freedom to kick back and openly talk about Jesus.  “We know that our Jewish co-workers don’t believe that Jesus Christ was the Messiah, so out […]

Mother Earth Putting Us Up For Adoption

EARTH – Citing rampant pollution, never ending infighting, and continued wastefulness of her natural resources, Mother Earth made the very difficult decision on Tuesday to put all of us up for adoption. After giving a valiant effort for the past 100,000 years, she came to the realization that she just can’t handle our childish behavior anymore. […]

Everybody at Gym Proud of Fat Guy Exercising

DENVER, CO – In the local 24-Hour Fitness, everybody in the gym felt a small sense of pride when they saw area fat man Gary Pierce exercising. Anna Wright was on the treadmill when she saw the obese Mr. Pierce waddle over to the counter and check in. “I assumed he just joined because I haven’t […]

Pepsi to Sponsor Syrian Air Strikes

WASHINGTON, DC – To qualm citizens’ fears that the U.S. is looking to enter a drawn-out and very expensive bombing campaign that will likely cost the taxpayers millions if not billions of dollars, national security advisers announced that the pending air strike against Syria will be sponsored by Pepsi. “Look, we don’t have the money, or […]

Pervert Baby Thinks About Boobs All Day

LOUISVILLE, KY – Area baby Aden Demos is a perverted little runt that thinks about nothing but boobs all day long. Ever since realizing that female, human breasts can provide him sustenance, the 2-month old deviant has not stopped dreaming and fantasizing about sucking on nipples for that delicious, nutritious milk. Reports state that while Aden […]

Op-Ed: “The Onion Makes Big Birthday Announcement”

The following was submitted by Daryl Quick, a recent graduate of the Kellogg School of Management. America’s finest news source turned 25 today, and as such determined it was the best possible moment to announce a pay firewall. Founded by Tim Keck and Chris Johnson in Madison, Wisconsin in 1988 as a medium for distributing […]

Study: 68% of MLK’s Dream Has Come True

WASHINGTON, DC – As laid out in a new study by the Dream Analysis Foundation (DAA), a field of scientists has discovered that approximately 68% of Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech has come true. The report was conducted to commemorate the 50 year anniversary of when Mr. King relayed his dream to […]

Stripper Putting Herself through Ohio State

COLUMBUS, OH – A local stripper that goes by the name of Vixie uses all of her earnings and tips to pay for her tuition at Ohio State University—or “The Ohio State University” as she likes to say. Vixie dropped out of high school as a sophomore and quickly became an alcoholic and drug addict before Ohio […]

TSA Agent Thinks You Should Get That Mole Checked Out

DALLAS / FORT WORTH, TX – Rookie TSA agent Aaron Knox just saw your body scanner results come through, and he wants to let you know that you should probably get that mole checked out. “I don’t mean to pry,” says the 20 year old Mr. Knox. “Usually I don’t do this. I stick to my […]

Area Man Finishing Up Last of Family Time before Football Begins

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – With opening kick-off less than two weeks away, area man Bill Dwyer is finishing up all his family time before he turns his focus to football. “I made a commitment to get all my quality time with my family done early so I can concentrate on the 2013 NFL season,” said Mr. Dwyer […]