Wrigley Field To Give Cubs Metal Pee Bucket To First 10,000 Entrants

CHICAGO, IL—As part of a promotional event for tonight’s game against the Cincinnati Reds, Wrigley Field will be giving away Cubs metal pee buckets to the first 10,000 fans to enter the ballpark. “We continue to look for ways to make a trip to the Friendly Confines more enjoyable for our fan base, and these […]

NCAA To Introduce Instant Replay Next Season

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In response to several controversial calls during the men’s basketball national tournament that could have been resolved with official review, the NCAA announced today that it will introduce instant replay next season. “We have the technology to make sure that the right call is made every single time, so we expect to start allowing […]

Exhausted Jesus To Rise Monday, Maybe Tuesday

HEAVEN—Noting that He is just totally exhausted and could really use the extra rest, Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior announced today that He’ll rise Monday, if not Tuesday. “It’s been a crazy couple months, and three days just isn’t going to cut it,” said a visibly tired Jesus to reporters on Good Friday, the […]

Gov. Pence Clarifies Bill Gives Residents Freedom To Practice Whatever Christians Choose

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Following the backlash to Indiana’s new “Freedom of Religion” bill passed last week, Governor Mike Pence spoke with reporters to clarify that the new bill simply grants every Indiana resident the freedom to practice whatever Christians decide. “Let me be very clear. This new legislation ensures that the government cannot step in and prevent […]

Pedal Faster Or I Will Die

WELCOME Hi there! Thanks so much for stopping by. You’ve come to the right place. We’re going to have a great work out today. As you’re getting warmed up, I thought it would be a good time to go over the standard process. You’re going to select a program you’d like to run, and I’m […]

Study: Ford Wants You To Buy Their Trucks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new study released by the Brookings Institute revealed that the Ford Motor Company, an American automaker headquartered in Michigan, would like you to buy one of their trucks. “After thoroughly analyzing the data and interviewing both executives and employees, we can conclusively say that Ford would be very pleased if you […]

Local Teen Waitlisted At ISIS

NEW YORK, NY—Despite submitting a solid application and having several letters of recommendation, local teen Jeremy Swanson was put on the ISIS waitlist yesterday, sources confirmed. “I thought my essay titled ‘Death to America’ was pretty strong, but I think my marksman and bomb making scores might have hurt me,” said Jeremy, a 17-year-old who […]

I’m Jeb B***, And I’m Running For President

This great country of ours is in need of serious help. The national debt has skyrocketed after years and years of running major deficits. Businesses are being hampered by an overwhelming number of new regulations, not to mention the major burden that health care reform has imposed on our nation’s best companies. On the home […]

Terrified Baby Not Even Aware He’s 36,000 Feet Above Ground

CHARLOTTE, NC—A terrified baby was crying violently throughout Delta flight 1591 from Charlotte to Chicago this morning without even being aware that he was flying 36,000 feet above the ground and could conceivably plummet to this death. “He’s not typically like this,” said the infant’s mother, noting that he is usually quite calm when suspended […]

Area Couple Renews Divorce Vows

ROCHESTER, MN—After 25 years of being happily separated, area couple Sheryl Nixon and Gerry Dobbs decided to renew their divorce vows this weekend. “Despite being apart for a quarter century, we’ve never hated each other more, and we wanted to celebrate that by renewing our divorce proceedings,” said Sheryl to reporters. Sources confirmed that the […]