Where the World Gets Its News
New York, NY – Following his comments that the slaves who built the White House were well fed and had decent housing, Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly reported that prisoners got ample levels of exercise during their stay at the Auschwitz concentration camp. “During the 1940’s, all inhabitants of the camp had at least one […]
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new poll released by the Pew Research Center, a giant pile of cash and guns has taken the lead for the GOP Presidential nomination. “With 35% of the support of likely voters, the 6-foot pile of stacked $100 bills and firearms has officially passed Donald Trump in the Republican race,” said […]
Vancouver, Canada—With a 5-2 victory over Japan, the U.S. women’s soccer team won the FIFA World Cup title yesterday despite the fact that not a single team member has a penis. “We’re very proud of this team,” said head coach Jill Ellis of the 23 women who were able to reach the championship game even […]
COLUMBIA, SC—Following the recent shooting at Charleston, debate has revolved around whether the state capital should continue to raise the Confederate flag, which supporters deem as a proud reminder of when the Confederacy had their butts handed to them by a bunch of pansy ass Yankees. “The Confederate flag is a part of our history, […]
ST. LOUIS, MO—With the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of same-sex marriage, sources confirmed that the long-time boyfriend of local man Aaron Swanson is now completely out of excuses. “For years he was telling me that he wanted to get his life and career in order before we tied the knot, but he’s been promoted […]
DALLAS, TX—Noting that it’s not really his place to say anything and that he doesn’t want to start any trouble, local man decided to stay out of any discussions surrounding the Baltimore riots right after a quick Facebook post about the riots. “I know that I probably shouldn’t say anything, especially because I’m not from […]
MIRAMAR, FL—Consistent with the company’s in-flight strategy, Spirit Airlines announced that it will start charging fees for anyone visiting spirit.com. “In order to provide our customers with the lowest possible fares, we have introduced a series of nominal fees for coming to spirit.com and using our booking tools and flight checkers,” said CEO Ben Baldanza […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Noting the success of the first Paul Blart movie and the draw of star Kevin James, industry experts confirmed Friday that, Jesus, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 will likely win the weekend box office. “Based on our forecasting models, which take into account ticket pre-sales and expected movie theater foot traffic, we’re estimating that, […]
WASHINGTON, DC—After interviewing thousands of couples around the country, the Pew Research Center issued a new report today showing that modern couples are waiting longer than previous generations to enter prenuptial agreements. “My parents entered their first prenuptial agreement when they were about 23 years old, and I think my grandparents had entered their prenup […]
The Lonely Petunia 
If You Think About It, All Relationships End In Death, Heartbreak, Or Alien Abduction
When you’re single, you have a lot of free time on your hands to think about relationships. Lately, I’ve looked back at some of the relationships I’ve had and analyzed some of the relationships my friends and family have gone through. And I’ve realized that if you really think about it, all relationships end in […]