If You Think About It, All Relationships End In Death, Heartbreak, Or Alien Abduction

By: Jeremy Lewis

By: Jeremy Lewis

When you’re single, you have a lot of free time on your hands to think about relationships. Lately, I’ve looked back at some of the relationships I’ve had and analyzed some of the relationships my friends and family have gone through. And I’ve realized that if you really think about it, all relationships end in either death, heartbreak, or an alien abduction.

If you don’t believe me, then let’s go through some thought experiments. First, let’s assume that the relationship is a success. Two people fall in love and eventually get engaged and married. Their marriage is a happy one, and they never break up or are abducted by extra terrestrials. Eventually, one or both of them will die and the relationship will end. This is the essence of “til death do us part.” It’s a happy ending, but a sad one too.

Now, let’s go in the other direction—the relationship is not a success, and the couple eventually breaks up, resulting in heartache. Differing from the death outcome, this end result has some nuance to it. For example, perhaps a new couple goes on a few dates, and one person decides he or she is not into it. The counterparty is going to experience at least some slight sorrow by the thought of what could have been. Taken in the other extreme, perhaps the couple goes all the way and gets married, but it doesn’t work out and eventually ends in the misery that is divorce. In either case, barring the couple being kidnapped in the middle of the night by an ancient alien race, the unsuccessful relationship ends in anguish.

Finally, the third possible outcome for any couple in a normal relationship: being taken hostage by intruders from outer space. Having your partner stolen from you by some renegade alien could be a blessing or a curse, depending on how that relationship is going. Maybe the abduction prevents that awkward break up conversation or inhibits what could have been a happy marriage. Either way, there is no doubt that losing your partner to the night sky ends the relationship just as much as a death or a breakup.

But what if both people are actually abducted at the same time, and the couple is held in captivity together? Some people could argue that being used as a science experiment or caged freak show for a strange species million of light years away doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is over. Some people might even say it could bring the couple closer together. I’ve thought through this, and given how hard it is to have a successful relationship on this planet, I just can’t see anyone being happy together once taken to the other side of the galaxy against their will.

The sad truth is that whenever I’m sitting down with a girl on a first date, I just can’t get this reality out of my head. With each first date, I am starting down a path that will either end in one or both of our deaths, a heartbreaking fight, or being separated from her forever by an intelligent, hostile being from a distant solar system.

That’s just modern dating, I guess.


  1. datingdocumented says:

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  2. This is the most insightful pieces of writing i have read in a long time, i love it! you aren’t alone in your observations, I kinda look at life in this way too. My philosophy however is that you have to be vulnerable to be happy 🙂

  3. Reblogged this on jaggednaija.

  4. Hey, but sometimes the thought of you being happy, living in that moment when you you feel someone has set beautiful eyes on you, gazing and looking out for you should be all that should count.
    Living a life thinking about what could or could not happen in the future can be stressful. The fact of life is that you can never predict the next second, so you have to make every action and relationship count whiles you have life.
    No matter how much of a fortitude you are, every man needs someone.

  5. I like this!

  6. “The only relationships that end mutually are the ones where both people die in the same accident.”
    Judge Rebeca, Bad Judge “Lockdown”

  7. Reblogged this on silentlybrilliant.

  8. Very interesting therory’s. What is even better is your humor! You made me think and smile. ☺

  9. You know this sheds a very positive light on relationships for me. I mean, I’m the married type in this story. Think about it, we get into a brutal fight and the next morning I wake up and he’s abducted by aliens! This could be good…I start dating again and sooner or later find someone else who I envision living out the rest of my days with, but then I’m abducted by aliens. They experiment on me, but not the way Hollywood portrays it. No, they are very interested in human relationships so they put me back with my then ex-husband and at first I’m all pissed cause of our fight (girls remember those for a really long time), but sure enough I fall back in love with him. Meanwhile, my now ex-boyfriend dies and the aliens are completely baffled by how human relationships work so they return me and my again husband to earth where we mutually agree to go our separate ways. In conclusion, I find your story-telling quite elaborate, however riddled with presumptions about aliens and human relationships. 🙂

  10. It’s a mutual agreement that we’d both go with the ship in Final Encounters, great post and great read! Thanks 🙂

  11. BunKaryudo says:

    You may be onto something with your observation. Your post made me think of my parents’ marriage — still going strong after over 50 years. Even today, it’s possible to find one of them gazing into the other’s eyes with a look that says, “Where are those bloody aliens?”

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