Terrified Baby Not Even Aware He’s 36,000 Feet Above Ground

CHARLOTTE, NC—A terrified baby was crying violently throughout Delta flight 1591 from Charlotte to Chicago this morning without even being aware that he was flying 36,000 feet above the ground and could conceivably plummet to this death. “He’s not typically like this,” said the infant’s mother, noting that he is usually quite calm when suspended several miles above the earth in a 15-year-old metal tube and that something incalculably less scary must be bothering him. Sources confirmed that the wailing 8-month-old might have been teething or hungry and that God only knows how he would react were he able to comprehend how a simple mechanical malfunction or pilot error could send him and his family to their graves. “Hopefully he’ll calm down once we get closer to landing [because he certainly won’t realize that aircraft collisions are more likely to happen near the airport].” At press time, the baby was crying again in his car seat for reasons completely unrelated to his hurtling 80 MPH on a highway filled with possibly drunk drivers.

You have no idea, kid.