TOPEKA, KS—Despite the fact that her salary barely supports her personal living expenses, local third grade teacher Mary Reynolds also has to purchase her own school children, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I make about $35,000 per year, which just about covers my rent and credit card bills, so it’s really hard when I also have to buy all my school children on my own,” said the teacher at Topeka Hills Elementary, noting that the school budget does not provide enough financial assistance for teachers to procure the necessary school children. Ms. Reynolds told reporters that her annual expense gets bigger every year as class sizes are getting larger, forcing her to buy as many as 30 or 35 school children just to fill a single classroom. “Additionally, school children in general are just getting more pricey. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to afford next year’s class.” At the close of the interview, Ms. Reynolds said she has considered saving money next year by going to neighboring town Lawrence for some discount school children.
“How am I going to pay for all these kids?!”
The Lonely Petunia 
I feel bad for this teacher, but I can relate. I mean, like, I was at the Piggly Wiggly yesterday and the EBT scanner was broken. I was like, WTF? Am I being Punk’d? Surely, like, I’m not expected to buy my own groceries, I mean, this isn’t a foreign country, like Canada or something. Holy cow America, get your crap together, or people are like gonna wanna go to France or India, and not come here anymore. That would suck because then we would be stuck with just Americans in America.