WASHINGTON, DC—A new report from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed that gyms across the country are bracing for the pathetic New Year rush. “We’ve hired some more part-time staff and added several machines to get ready for the embarrassing deluge of people who all of a sudden want to exercise,” said Eric Jameson, a manager at a 24 Hour Fitness that will likely see its attendance pitifully increase by 150% in the first few weeks of 2015. According to the report, managers will not only have to deal with the sad, chubby saps who will pretend like they know their way around but also with the fit regulars who won’t be able to find a machine because they’re all taken by newbies with depressing New Year’s resolutions. “Safety is our biggest concern because most of the people showing up next week haven’t worked out in months and have been stuffing themselves with holiday cookies and alcohol.” The report concluded that the gyms will return to normal around February when people remember that maintaining a steady gym regimen is really hard.
“May I help your sorry ass?”
The Lonely Petunia 
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