Report: Nation’s Gyms Brace For Pathetic New Year Rush

WASHINGTON, DC—A new report from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed that gyms across the country are bracing for the pathetic New Year rush. “We’ve hired some more part-time staff and added several machines to get ready for the embarrassing deluge of people who all of a sudden want to exercise,” said Eric Jameson, a manager at a 24 Hour Fitness that will likely see its attendance pitifully increase by 150% in the first few weeks of 2015. According to the report, managers will not only have to deal with the sad, chubby saps who will pretend like they know their way around but also with the fit regulars who won’t be able to find a machine because they’re all taken by newbies with depressing New Year’s resolutions. “Safety is our biggest concern because most of the people showing up next week haven’t worked out in months and have been stuffing themselves with holiday cookies and alcohol.” The report concluded that the gyms will return to normal around February when people remember that maintaining a steady gym regimen is really hard.

"May I help your sorry ass?"

“May I help your sorry ass?”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: