KEARNY, NY—Sources confirmed this morning that area man Kenny Wicke’s NYE party tickets bought back in October are non-refundable, goddamnit. “I spent $150 for entry to this party at some bar with a full drink package like three months ago. I really don’t feel like going, but looking at the confirmation e-mail yesterday, I realized that I can’t get my fucking money back,” said Mr. Wicke to reporters. Mr. Wicke reportedly tried to sell his ticket on Craigslist but noted that there are dozens of other people selling their tickets to the “NYE Rockin’ Bash” for less than $50 for chrissake. “I do this to myself every year, but usually I’ve been able to get rid of my tickets last minute when I decide to go to a friend’s house or dive bar. But I can’t fucking do that this time, now can I?” At press time, Mr. Wicke was trying to convince himself that $150 isn’t that much money anyway.
Party pooper.
The Lonely Petunia 
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